Lindsay you're no Marilyn and I'm no Jack Kennedy

Lindsay you're no Marilyn and I'm no Jack KennedyTweet this!

I've never been a fan of Lindsay Lohan, but I'm sitting here with Sarah and her roommate Katie, goofing around on the laptop while they watch American Idol, when Katie says that Lohan has posed naked. I may be no fan of Lohan, but I am a connoisseur of the female boobies, and decided to give my expert opinion on her knockerinos.
Lohan's trying to inject some class into her image by imitating Marilyn Monroe, who got t-boned by two Presidential brothers, baseball players and mobsters and died cold and alone, thrown aside like a drunken prom date. And I like Marilyn. She's one of the last women who looked great with some meat on her hips, so she holds a special place in my heart. I feel I must warn you, like a porn version of that new Paul Anderson film, There Will Be Boobs.

...

Well, seeing Lindsay Lohan's tits is as big a letdown as the Star Wars prequels. I hadn't been sitting around thinking, "hey, what about when Vader was a five year old," and today I wasn't thinking, "boy, I wonder what this vapid twat's tits look like." But there was a lot of hype surrounding it, so I went. And I was disappointed. A gay friend of a friend called them "weird fattie boy boobies" and I can't think of anything better to describe them.

Let me critique them. Tits are a matter of taste, and when it comes down to it, there are no bad tits except ones you can't see. Or feel. It's sour tits, when you can't see a pair you'd like to see. You start thinking, "I bet she has banana boobs. Or mutant nipples." But these are just lackluster tits. Not as bad as Tara Reid's "who dropped a slice of pepperoni on this bloated sac?" boobs, but nothing to write home about. In fact, next time I see a good pair of tits, I will write home.

First of all, when she lies down, she looks like a boy. I was told this first by Katie, and before I saw the photos, I said "When a stacked girl lies down, sometimes that happens."
Katie: "Well, I don't!"
Me: "Prove it."
And I won by default. But she is right, Double-L looks like a Calvin Klein ad in this photo.

Lindsay Lohan's Boy Tit

Here's what her tits look like standing up, for comparison. WHERE DO THEY GO?

In this photo she looks like she has a new skeletal structure called the tit-bone.
Mammogram, stat.

In the color photos she looks a lot better. Here's the rest, for your viewing pleasure, interspersed with the original Marilyn photos by Bert Stern that I could find. He also did the Lohan shoot, but it just isn't as fresh as it was. Waste of time if you ask me.

Not to be cruel, but you look like a constipated woodchuck.
This one's not bad.
Marilyn knows how to smile, or maybe JFK is in the lower half of this picture.
Not bad, still kind of stoned look.
Marilyn looks tomboyish and attainable here. Muscle tone, too. Real woman.
Not bad, hip placement is off. You can see she has big tits when gravity is properly applied.

Great smile, nice hips, cute belly button, and a come hither glance. Or is that just the pills?

Not bad, one of the better ones of the shoot. She looks real, just not the perfect Marilyn hips.
Marilyn is a little too skinny here, her breasts have suffered.
Not a flattering hairstyle for her.
As you can see, we have lost appreciation for fine ass. Also, she just had a great smile.

Someone get her some ice cubes, flat nipples aren't photogenic.

Marilyn, Gil Elvgren style. Classic pin-up for your spank bank.
And you can hang your coat on those nipples!

I'll leave you with one of the better Lohan photos.