Greasy Spoons: Island Burgers and Shakes

In a little unassuming storefront in Hell's Kitchen, you can get some of the best burgers in the city slathered with homemade sauces and dozens of toppings, a delicious shake and some huge-ass cookies. Just don't ask for fries. They don't serve any. Why the ixnay on the izefray? There isn't enough room for a fryer. Once you squeeze into the shop's narrow seating area, you can see why. It's still comfy for 4 at a table, as the slinky waitresses sidle behind you with huge platters of chicken churascos, and if you're lucky you won't have to wait for one of the 5 or 6 tables. But if you have to, it is worth the wait. And you can get a huge baked potato covered in toppings instead.
We didn't try a potato. The burgers are enormous, and they have Dirty Chips- aka Zapp's Chips in the South- available in BBQ, Sour cream & Onion, plain kettle, and Jalapeno. I had mine with jalapeno, which gives a nice palate-cleansing tang between bites of burger. And you'll be taking a lot of bites. Island Burger is known for toppings, and their huge menu lists dozens of variations that you can have either as a burger or a churasco.

Fork? How about a forklift...

I decided on the Frog (boursin cheese, bacon, and fried onions), Firecracker had the Tijuana (bacon, jack, guacamole, onion), Jokerboy the Purist had a bacon and cheese, and Beast had Will's (bacon, cheddar, sour cream, onion, scallion, sourdough). We all had bacon. Bacon is the great equalizer. About the only thing on a pig that's better is perhaps the Crispy Pig's Ear at The Spotted Pig, which must be eaten in moderation. But it's so good that our two friends violated kosher to try it. The bacon here is nothing special- not thick or seasoned. The burger and the sauces made up for it.

About an entire grove of avocados.

The burger patties are half a pound- fat and juicy. They will serve them to you rare- none of that nanny state bullshit. I had mine medium, so it was pink and juicy in the center. The patty resembles a huge charred meat donut without a hole. It's fat and round like a cartoon hamburger, but well-formed so it's a bit loose inside, and doesn't feel like eating the huge chunk of meat that it is. The problem is keeping a thick burger and its generous toppings on the bun. Ours were all either on Pullman sourdough- a thick, spongy square slice of bread- or the sesame seed bun. I daresay that these may not be up to the task of holding the burger together. The ciabatta roll we saw a slab of chicken churasco riding was more like half a loaf of bread and seemed much more capable. The next time I go, I will definitely build on a ciabatta.

Even a relatively "plain jane" bacon-cheese was unwieldy.

The flavors were excellent, despite our troubles eating the messy burger. The boursin cheese was rich and creamy with lots of herbs, and the bacon seemed like an afterthough. Very few of the caramelized onion petals remained on the burger, so I couldn't tell how everything worked together. The guacamole was tangy and creamy, and I might pair that with something hot next time. I didn't see many spicy sauces, to my dismay. I like a little fire in my burger.

Ryan working on Shake #1.

That would give their excellent milkshakes and malteds something to cool off. Remember Pulp Fiction, when a $5 shake was a joke? That's milk and ice cream. They don't even put bourbon in it? Well, its time has come to pass. I was disappointed that you don't get the metal shaker- just a relatively small sundae glass. But oh, the taste. I had a black & white malted, and it was honestly the best malted I've ever had. Jokerboy had 2, which is one solution I guess. Me & Firecracker shared a "Kitchen Sink" cookie which was good- though next time peanut butter & chocolate chip will be the one we choose. This monster cookie was oatmeal-raisin-chocolate-pecan-peanut butter, and could have done without the oatmeal. At least we got some fiber. The oatmeal drowned out the other flavors, but there were nice chunks of chocolate.

Cookie Monster would be sated.

The burgers are not cheap- they cost as much as a burger & fries at a chain. But this tastes like a real homemade burger. It shocked me that I hadn't had an honest-to-Wimpy juicy hamburger at a restaurant in so long. Greasy, yes. But at Island Burgers, when you ask for medium, you get it. They don't cook them all until they are gray inside, like at Red Robin, or any number of burger chains. This is the real deal, and worth hunting down. As far as BIG burgers go, this is up there with Miss Ann's Ghetto Burgers, and the monstrous bleu cheese burger at The Spotted Pig for pairing size and flavor. Check them out. You won't regret it.

Just don't ask for fries. Besides, you can go downtown to Pomme Frites where they serve fries and no burgers.


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Greasy Spoons: Ann's Snack Bar, home of the Ghetto Burger

The "best hamburger" is a subjective thing. Some people like little burgers, like White Castles; some like classic simplicity, such as The Burger Joint at the Parker Meriden NY; others want the most expensive ingredients, such as the $150 burger at The Burger Shoppe, crafted for coke-snorting Wall Street douchebags who think wagyu (aka Kobe) beef is meant to be ground into a burger. And still others like monstrosities. But even the Wall Street Journal sees through the pompous facade of a foie gras topped wagyu burger when simple fresh ground chuck has always been the foundation of a fine hamburger. They declared that the best was not to be had in New York, but on the outskirts of Atlanta, at a tiny unassuming roadstand called Ann's Snack Bar. I was immediately intrigued. This is not like some college slob saying that the truck near his dorm has the best hamburger, because it's the nearest slop his pot-addled brain can find when he gets the munchies. This is an esteemed newspaper run by the nasally whining snobs who've been the butt of jokes since Animal House and beyond. And if they'll deign to tiptoe into a working-class joint like this, where Ann reigns like an unpretentious Soup Nazi, I had to check it out.



Business sent me to Atlanta- which may have horrible traffic, but makes up for it with a spate of excellent restaurant finds. Love sushi? Go to MF Sushi, aka Magic Fingers sushi. I had some of the best since my visit to Tokyo there; Osaka-style pressed lobster rolls and ama ebi to die for. Want a raw bar and a great beer selection? Head to Six Feet Under, which has local Sweetwater beer on tap (my fave being the Blue, with blueberries) and buckets of oysters, clams and peel 'n eat shrimp ready to roll. But for burgers, there's only one place to go, and that's Ann's.

Off a slightly decrepit county highway you'll find a likely jam-packed parking lot hiding a diner car with a porch extension built onto it. Park properly and politely, and don't leave a dog in your car. And heaven help you, don't talk on your cell phone while you're waiting. You'll be out on your burger-less ass. Miss Ann runs a tight ship. While I waited, one guy was kicked out for talking loudly on his phone, and another guy had his dog in the back of his truck. When you manage to get in, act like a guest in her house, like she's invited you over to a backyard party, and you'll be alright.

She's most famous for the Ghetto Burger- a slow-cooked 1 pound patty of fresh, never frozen ground beef, topped with chili, cheese and a few slices of thick bacon cooked in the fryer. The meat is liberally seasoned from a container with the label removed, but my guess is Lowry's or similar, with cayenne. You'd best be patient. It takes a long time, ten or fifteen minutes, once your burger is on the grill- this keeps it juicy, so grab some sweet tea or fruit drink with your order, sit on a stool, and wait. I brought a paperback, to keep me from fiddling with my Blackberry.

Miss Ann may have her peculiar ways, but she makes a great burger that barely fits on the plate, for a mere $7. I cut mine in half and still had trouble wrapping my mouth around it. It is best described as a double bacon chili cheeseburger, and it served as lunch and dinner that day. Without fries. It's huge, filling, and delicious. I've had a 1-pounder burger before at Krug's Tavern, Down Neck in Newark- theirs isn't bad, but Ann's blows it out of the water. Your typical chili cheeseburger with bacon drowns any beef flavor out with a cavalcade of toppings, but Ann's seasoning lets the beef ring through. It tastes like something your mom made for you, if she catered to your hyperbolic demands. The soft bun, the crispy bacon, the tangy chili and the quick zap of cayenne on the meat before the juicy beef mellows everything out- it's one hell of a burger.

I think that's a big part of the appeal of Ann's; it is down home cooking. While she has her rules and may snap at you if you break them, she was a sweet lady when I came to visit, and blushed when I took her picture. Ann has a good sense of humor, too- calling the place a "snack bar" when all she serves is huge burgers- and there's no hipster irony in calling it a "ghetto burger." She's obviously proud of the reputation her cooking has built, and after thirty years of slinging burgers on the grill for neighborhood folks, getting folks visiting from all around is a bit of a surprise. The next time you're in Atlanta, you deserve a Ghetto Burger. Split it with a friend. She also makes other variants with cole slaw, or even a plain jane if you like. A place like the Varsity might be more famous, but a cozy joint like Ann's Snack Bar is an unforgettable experience.

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Greasy Spoons: Gray's Papaya

For some, Nathan's is the ultimate hot dog mecca in New York; others flock to gourmet upstarts like Crif Dog, home of the bacon-wrapped tube steak. But on Manhattan, where every corner has a pushcart slinging dirty water dogs, there can be only one- Gray's Papaya, home of the Recession Special, 2 dogs and a drink for three-fifty.
We ended up there after seeing The Goonies on Pier 46 at River Flicks last Friday, and it was definitely worth the walk. Two seared franks loaded with kraut mustard and onions, with one of their fruit drinks- the titular Papaya, or perhaps the sublime coconut champagne- and your search for post-drinking food is sated, at a bargain price.

The recession special

Gray's started in 1973 and has been a landmark since- with three locations along the West side, if you're in the Village, near Lincoln Center, or near Times Square you're set. It's not as old as Papaya King, which started in 1931, but like another relative newcomer, Grimaldi's Pizza, it consistently gets voted #1 over its aged forebears.Eye-rollingly good.

They don't offer chili, cheese, or relish like Papaya King, but their roasted pups and their sweet onion sauce stand great on their own. They're a little on the small size- your typical Sabrett's weenie slathered with mustard, a mere 3 or 4 bites- but they're full of flavor and deserve their legendary status. They go perfectly with their Papaya drink, but there's banana daiquiri, orange, grape, pina colada, and of course, the effervescent Coconut Champagne to choose from. And don't forget, the Papaya drink is made from the aristocratic melon of the tropics.

Admittedly, much of the mystique surrounding Gray's is nostalgia, but it's the quintessential NYC hot dog. Roasted like the original Nathan's, but with it's own characteristic flair. It may not be as filling or wild as a Puka Dog, but until the Hawaiians invade, Gray's will be safe.

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Greasy Spoons: Chap's Pit Beef, Baltimore

I heard about Chap's on "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," via The Mouth from the South- a true connoisseur of barbecue. He couldn't make it, so I have to describe the culinary experience for him vicariously. Chap's is a great little find, and definitely worth stopping by if a road trip takes you through Baltimore.

Baltimore stoops to conquer

Up north we don't get BBQ joints of this caliber, except in rare circumstances. Even the normally reliable Munchmobile of the Star-Ledger pointed me to Smitty's in Lyndhurst- and they do have decent barbecue for up here, but nothing to write home about. About the same as Jim Dandy's in Nutley. Falls off the bone, but has that spongy quality that tells you it's been injected with sauce to get it tender. It's much better to head to Montclair's Indigo Smoke, which may be a bit pricey for 'cue, but serves up the real deal. If you cross the Hudson, MoGridder's in the Bronx, and Brother Jimmy's in 5 locations now, are all good bets.

Pit Beef & sausage sandwich will cure all ills

But in Baltimore I'd say try Chap's. Baltimore has their own barbecue creature called Pit Beef. I first heard of it in John Waters' movie Pecker, and was finally reminded when I watched Guy's show. If you ride past the Fell's Point area down Orleans, past the typical Balitmore row houses with their white stone 3-step stoops, a few more blocks down Pulaski you'll find this unassuming box next to a gentleman's club. You'll follow the smoky scent of charred meat past around the parking lot, and inside you'll find a real picnic table, a few gambling machines, and huge pumps of BBQ sauce and ketchup. The wooden walls painted red and purple, looking like they've absorbed countless amounts of grill fumes. A sign above reads, "The only difference between this place and the Titanic... was they had a band." So yeah, a real dive.

Boss Man had the ribs, which he said had too much sauce. I opted for a pit beef sandwich with hot sausage on a kaiser roll, having seen the show and lusted after one ever since. They also have a "Guy Special" now with corned beef, pit beef and turkey. We got mac 'n cheese and rice pudding as well. The sandwich was excellent, and really, if you come here you have to have the pit beef and sausage. They are outstanding.

Perfection

The beef is juicy (I had mine medium rare) and flavorful, never stringy or chewy. The sausage is spicy and has good smoky flavor, and they slice it into three slabs so your sandwich doesn't fall apart. The poppy seed kaiser roll is strong enough to hold it all together and not get mushy, even if you slather it with their BBQ sauce. Don't use too much sauce, the meat is tasty enough. The mac 'n cheese was dry and tasteless, but the rice pudding was thick, creamy and not too sweet. Just enough cinnamon, and the small size was pretty filling.

A little too saucy for me, Bearnaise.

On a Monday afternoon there was little crowd, but like a good truck stop, you could tell this was a hidden gem. It reminded me of Ann's Snack Bar in Atlanta, home of the ghetto burger. That place deserves a "blast from the past" blog post, and will get one soon. This is a must-visit in Baltimore. A combo sandwich on a kaiser will make a big lunch or a good sized dinner, and you can walk it off at Fort McHenry National Park, just a few miles away, if you want the exercise.

By the pit beef's surly bite

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Greasy Spoons: Lil Burgers of Nutley

Little Burgers are an East Coast institution. Out west they have Fatburger, In-N-Out, Bob's Big Boy; here we have White Castle, and a few other tiny burger "systems" that popped up around the same time in the 50's. We had a Blue Castle in Passaic, and the all but forgotten char-broil pits along the Route 3-Route 46 corridor, such as the Red Chimney, the Three Acre Grill, the Anthony Wayne; and we still have a White Rose System in Highland Park, the competing White Mana and and White Manna burgers of Jersey City and Hackensack, and the White Diamond down in Linden.

6 lil burgers and sweet tater fries.

Lil Burgers is in that class- tiny little burgers, but with a meaty grilled beef patty unlike White Castle's infamous mystery slider. On the main drag of Nutley, my hometown from whence Martha Stewart sprang like a decorating demon in a cloud of brimstone and potpourri, it's a little gem of a burger joint that is worth braving the Guido and skater punk crowd of Franklin Avenue to get to.

Tucked between a guido bar and a TCBY

The owner, Tony, told me they use fresh meat every day- and you can taste it. They taste like home grilled, and are served on Hawaiian sweet rolls, with cheese, pickle and ketchup if you desire. It gives them a homemade taste, and while it takes longer than a fast-food place, it is definitely worth the wait.

The owner takes an order.

The crew is friendly and fast, and the place is cafeteria style but still cozy. The walls are decorated with aerial photos of the area, from well-known landmarks like Giants Stadium, to forgotten icons of the local past like the legendary ITT Tower, torn down in the late 90's.

The crew, and an order up.

The menu also includes sweet potato fries, shrimp, hot dogs, chicken, and cheese steak sandwiches. The fries were good- especially the sweet ones. I was expecting more toppings, or a "slider" type restaurant with a lot of trendy little expensive sandwiches, but this is the real deal- little burgers grilled to perfection, on the simplicity of the sweet soft gummy rolls. No mango-pepper aioli or peppadew chutneys here. Part of me wanted to see a pork roll burger but they're smaller than a cooked slice of Taylor ham, just barely. And they're tasty enough on their own.

The menu- 99 cents still buys you something good.

So, brave the wilds of Nutley. Watch out for popped collars and pointy hair, and BMW M3's and Mustang GT's as they cruise the ave. Your best bet is to park in the municipal lot behind the Nutley Diner, and walk through the alley. When we were there it was a shady haven for skaters in the hot sun. On the way home you should pick up some fresh pasta at Garruto's, or home-made mozzarella. There's an Applegate Farms ice cream shop around the corner, where the Baskin-Robbins used to be, if you saved room for dessert. Just mind your P's and Q's, the police don't take kindly to you out-of-towners.

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Greasy Spoons: Taste of Portugal's Steak on a Stone

From an unassuming little building in Newark's Ironbound section, you can get some of the best steaks you've ever had. I've been to a few of the top-rated steakhouses in America-- Manny's in Minneapolis, the Chicago Chop House. But for half the price I've had a fantastic marbled filet cooked just the way I want it, without worrying about reservations or throwing on a sport jacket. At Taste of Portugal on Delancey Street.

If you've eaten in the Ironbound, you're familiar with Portuguese restaurants, famous for their rodizio, the unending delivery of grilled meat on huge skewers, sliced directly to your plate. Those that don't offer that up often have similar menus full of platters of steaks and seafood, huge slabs of sea bass or bucket-sized bowls of paella, the obligatory appetizers of charred Portuguese sausage, and the platters of potatoes, rice and vegetables shared on the table. Here you get the standards trimmed into a concise yet varied menu that touches all the meat groups, including a goat leg appetizer and occasional deliveries of wild boar. If the boar is offered, all bets are off- skip the steak and have it.
Their flagship dish is the Steak on a Stone, a baseball sized filet with good marbling. It comes on a searing hot slab of black granite heated in their ovens, and arrives at the table raw. Your server slices it into four smaller chunks and places them on the stone to sizzle, and tops them with huge chunks of garlic herb butter. If you like, they will stay to flip the pieces for you. If you're a hands-on diner who would rather eat the stone than a well-done steak, you can flip them yourself. I opted to be the captain of my own destiny, and was rewarded with a terrifically tender filet mignon slathered in creamy butter.

The side is red beans and rice with chunks of Portuguese sausage, and a gravy boat of mushroom sauce; not a green in sight. Our appetizer was a special of shrimp and pineapple; this turned out to be shrimp cocktail, with half-round chunks of pineapple and twirled slices of prosciutto. The salty slices where not di parma, but the drier, thicker kind. It all went well together but was nothing spectacular, except for the huge shrimp. The desserts are good but average, including Italian specialties like tartufo and tiramisu, plus Portuguese ones like serradura, which I found sort of bland.

If you want a great and unique steak meal for a mere $26.95, hie yourself down to the Ironbound section and get to Taste of Portugal. You won't regret it.

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Greasy Spoons: Sake Bar Hagi

All the best Japanese places I've been to in New York are underground. Sake Bar Hagi is a Japanese gastropub of sorts- Tokyo comfort food and $11 pitchers of Sapporo and Ki-rin is the fare. I've wanted to go here since Anthony Bourdain mentioned it on his New York show with Andrew Zimmern. It's not far from Radio City and Times Square, secreted in a basement hollow near a sushi bar, it's open till 3am, and serves quick bar food like chicken yakitori for $2 a skewer, a great bargain for sit-down bar food in NYC.

"We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread.."

The last time we came, there was a line out the door and up the stairs; this time we got lucky for a Saturday night after a show. We waited about 5 minutes for a corner table, and snugged in. The place is small and cozy and noisy with mostly Japanese patrons watching horse racing on big screen TVs, over platters of fried goodies and drinkin' foods. It reminded me of my short time in Tokyo and Niigata. I didn't hit many bars out there, in fact the one I remember was run by a Canadian ex-pat, with poutine served hot 'n gooey, and many shots of Canadian Club 12-year poured freely.

Belly up to the bar or snug into a table. No frogurt, though.

Here we perused the multi-page menu that had everything from fried slices of beef tongue (better than it sounds!) and spaghetti with ketchup (Japanese drunk food) to more familiar Japanese fare like gyoza dumplings and sashimi. The specials blackboard was thankfully written in Japanese and English, so we started off with a plate of Berkshire Pork dumplings, which were tender and tasty. Berkshire is a rare breed in England; the Japanese-bred pigs were brought over in the 1800's and are raised like Wagyu (Kobe) beef. It was hard to tell how marbled the pork was from a tiny bit in a dumpling, but they were very good. And only $4.

Yellowtail collar- grilled nummies in there.

It ends up being a lot like Dim Sum; they don't push carts around, but the menu is mostly appetizer sizes with a few big plates, like the chopped steak. The biggest plate we ordered was the Grilled Yellowtail collar ($7.50), which Bourdain raved about. It was excellent- rich and tender pieces of yellowtail to be plucked out from the bony collar with your chopsticks. Luckily, I picked around inside and found the biggest chunk hiding in there. It had the rich oily flavor of belly meat.

A shrimpstrosity

We sampled a few other appies too- the chicken yakitori meatball skewer ($2), a huge shrimp skewer ($4), and a huge potato croquette ($4) which was a bit bland but otherwise nice and crisp on the outside. The shrimp was flavorful but a little overdone, the meatballs were a great cheap bar snack. There's so much more on the menu, like okonomiyaki, takoyaki (fried octopus balls), and of course, may different kinds of sake. We had Sapporo, thanks. If they had Suntory Malt, my fave beer from Japan, I would have been thrilled.

Overall this is a great find, a cozy hideaway between Times Square and Radio City. Sort of like the Burger Joint at the Parker Meridien for those who love Japanese food. Or anything fried on a stick.

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MoGridder's BBQ and Auto Service

I'd been wanting to go to MoGridder's since I heard about it on the Food Network, on "Diner's, Drive-Ins and Dives." (As soon as the bleached-hair guy on the show has a heart attack, I'll swoop in and take over the show). It's out in the Bronx in Hunt's Point, where all the rental truck returns, auto shops, and chop shops are. It's one of the best rated rib joints in New York, and they offer a combo oil change and rack of ribs for $34.95-- a bargain in these days of $135 crude and rising food prices.
Since it was Saturday in New York, we ran into an impromptu parade and/or protest, a road closure, a crane blocking the street, and a street that the GPS did not know had changed into a one-way. We drove over with the top down, and I felt like Ace in Escape from New York, which is playing on UHD this month.
It's hard to miss. Parked in front of the auto shop on a 5 way corner is a fire-engine red trailer with a propane tank and smoker on the front. There's a big sign showing a hillbilly with his popgun chasing a pig riding a steer plastered on the side, and some picnic tables set up outside. If you want classier digs, around the corner in the auto shop is the "MoGridder's Lounge" which has tables and condiments, and a big wash sink to clean your sauce-encrusted mitts after gnawing the bones clean.

They serve the barbecue standards- ribs, brisket, pulled pork, chicken, and sausage. Firecracker got a pulled pork cheese steak with a side of potato salad, and I got a 2-meat plate of brisket and ribs, with beans and collard greens. They also serve fresh lemonade. It could be sweeter, but it's nice and refreshing. We lugged our prizes to the cushy lounge to keep watch over my double-parked car, and had ourselves a hearty lunch.

The ribs are damn good- meaty and tender without having that "fall off the bone" quality that means too much sauce, or injecting, in my book. The meat didn't need sauce to taste good, which is a must. The sauce was not too tomatoey or sweet, but had a nice smoky flavor. The brisket was delicious too, with good beefy flavor and just the right amount of fat. It was sliced too thin for my liking, and for $13 I expected more than 4 ribs and 4 thin slices of brisket. Next time I'll get a full rack, or we'll split one of the huge combos.

The pulled pork cheese steak was a thing to behold. The pulled pork was flavorful and tender, reminiscent of the Kalua pig from Hawaii. It came with peppers and onions, and enough Cheez Whiz to feed Philadelphia. It's a great idea, mixing the classic pulled pork sandwich with the Philly cheese steak, and it's worth driving into the Bronx for.
The sides were very good as well. The beans were spectacular, with tons of sweet smoke and spice. The collard greens were a little bland; they could have used some more bacon fat. They were tangy but mostly flavorless, like most collards, and a little too soupy. The potato salad was heavy on the mayo, northern style. The resident Southern belle wanted some egg or spice in there, so I used the last of my Tony Chachere's packets to spice it up. Overall it was a very good meal, a little on the pricey side for truck food, but we both left stuffed and sated and glad we made the trip.
It's worth the trouble, even if you don't have the map from The Brain telling you where the mines are on the Bridge. Brother Jimmy's might have more Southern specialties, but their ribs and beans aren't this good. There you can have an Abita, some peel 'n eat shrimp, or fried pickles... but good luck getting your oil changed. MoGridder's is unique road food, a little out of the way for most travelers, but where else can you get award-winning ribs and a tune-up while you wait?

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The Shaka vs. the Shocker, and the Southernmost Bar in the U.S.

We like extremes here in America. The biggest ball of twine (Cawker, KS). The most expensive hamburger (The Burger Royale at DB Bistro Moderne, NYC). The biggest asshole (goatse guy). So when we learned that the Southernest Bar in the United States was on the island of Hawai'i, we had to trek there when we visited.

The shaka sign

The bar is called Shaka's, named after the "hang loose" Hawaiian hand sign. It resides in the small town of Na'ahelu, which is between Volcanoes National Park and the southernmost tip of the island, which is occupied mostly by wind farms and a few ranches. If you take the drive down to Shaka's, there are a few things to see on the way. For one, Highway 11 passes through miles of old lava fields, so it looks like you're driving through a desolate wasteland. The a'a lava, sharp and unweathered, stretches on one side of the highway to the sea, and to the base of Mauna Loa on the other.

That's the shocker, not the shaka!

They use the terms mauka and makai to differentiate between "toward the mountains" and "toward the ocean." Especially on the big island, where there is a ring around the shore and only a few roads inland, like the infamous Saddle Road between Mauna Loa and Mauna Kea, north and south have little meaning. All the roads are toward one town or another. On the way down, we passed the Punalu'u Black Sand beach, so I swung a sharp left in the Jeep and drove on down. Past a windy golf course, and dotted with tents with local families chilling andd grilling, this is how you enjoy the beach on the windy side of the island.

Black sand beach

Another 20 minutes down the road or so and you reach Na'ahelu. Shaka's is past the gas station and the post office, with parking in front and out back. It's hard to miss the big blue building. We dropped in for some Kona brews and burgers. Firecracker had a burger smothered with mushroom gravy and sweet Maui onions, with some delicious fried potato wedges on the side. They call them hash browns, so get them instead of the fries. I had a South Seas fish sandwich with mahi and light tangy tartar sauce. It was fresh and delicious. The beer was good too- I had a few Kona Lavaman Red Ales. Service was a little slow, even for the islands- he apologized for being short on staff- but everything was tasty and we didn't wait too long.

No lighthouse, just a big reflecting sign

So they are worth a stop, even if you don't want to say that you've had a beer at the Southernmost Bar in the U.S., for their good food and selection. If you've come this far, you might as well drive another 12 miles to South Point, the wave-bashed rocky beach that is the most southerly spot on the isle. You can see the stark contrast between the calm, Kona side of the island and the windy Hilo side, as the waves crash nonstop to your left, and the seas stand still to your right.

LeftRight

The beaches were covered with locals fishing, but we didn't see anyone catch anything. A few miles down a 4x4 road, and there's a Green Sand beach, but we didn't have a lot of time or good directions to it. It gives us a reason to come back, other than the island's beauty and the friendliness of the people. Next time I want to stay in Kona, so Firecracker can go horseback riding with the paniolos, and I can drive to the top of Mauna Kea. Or sit at the Kona Brewing Company having some more of their excellent Wailua wheat and Pipeline porter.

51 years ago there was a tree here.

On the way back we stopped at the spot where Mark Twain planted a monkeypod tree in the 1860's. It stood until 1957, when a typhoon uprooted it. I'm still reading his Letters from Hawaii; it's good, but slow going. He was still young and hadn't gotten his steam yet. I imagine he'd have commented on the most Southerly Commode in the U.S., which Firecracker and I did make use of. We were most thankful that the heavy winds didn't knock it over.

Most Southerly Shitters in the States


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The white dot by the black square is that reflective sign.

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Begone, foul words of the devil! Shrink it back.

Greasy Spoons: Yama's Fish Market

I wanted some local food before we left island paradise. I'd had Imu pork at the Kona Brewing Company the night before-- an excellent brewpub that serves a huge selection of brews, favorites being the Wailua Wheat with Passion Fruit, and the Pipeline Porter made with Kona coffee-- but we here at the PYT like down home, sloppy grease pits that sling up tasty local grub without pretensions or hefty price tags.

Yama's Fish Market fit the bill on short notice; we'd spent most of the day at the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial, then relaxed in the pool before packing it up for the airport, and Yama's was close by and served up local delights like kālua pork, poi, poke, as well as having shelves full of tasty snacks like taro chips and macnut cookies. Macnut is short for macadamia nuts and is me trying to sound like I've been in Hawaii for more than 6 days- I'm JOJ, brah!

I had a #6, which consists of kālua pork, lomi salmon, poke, rice or poi, and haupani dessert. For $8 it's a hell of a meal. I had mine with poi and wasabi masago poke. Poke, pronounced pokay, is like ceviche, except it's actually raw- they don't let the citrus acids "cook" the fish. I enjoyed the hell out of it. The cubes of ahi tuna were the perfect texture, and very fresh. None of that mealy texture you get from stuff that's been frozen too often or too long. The wasabi and flying fish roe gave it a sweet, rich and tangy flavor that went well with the other foods on the plate.

not-so-long pig

The kālua pork was the centerpiece and deservingly so. Traditionally it is made in an imu or underground oven, like in a luau, but it can also be wrapped in ti plant leaves and slow-smoked. Some say you can get a similar flavor by rubbing a pork shoulder with sea salt and putting it in a crockpot with some Liquid Smoke, but I took home a container of the frozen stuff instead. When served, it is very tender and comes with a lot of stock or broth, rich with pork flavor. It's better than any slow-cooker pork I've ever had.

Poi on the other hand is a holy foodstuff and cannot be criticized. I found it delicate and slightly sweet, but the consistency wasn't easy for a Western palate. It was cool and refreshing, but mostly tasteless. Nourishing I'm sure, but an acquired taste, and a lovely purple hue.

poi ahoy

The lomi salmon was tasty too- bits of raw salmon mixed in a light tomato salad. It was a bit light on the salmon, but what was there was good. Courtney and Sarah didn't like the haupia, but I loved it. It's a custard made of coconut milk and sugar. They only give you a tiny container, but it's very strong in flavor. I love coconut, so it was perfect for me.

Over at Ono Kine Grindz they consider it a middle of the road place, so if traditional Hawaiian food is this good when "average" I can't wait to go back and hit a place they think is great. I enjoyed everything here, and the take-home pork was a great dinner last night. If you're in Honolulu down King Street, maybe to go to the Hula Supply Store, this is just around the corner and is good for a quick and tasty lunch.

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Begone, foul words of the devil! Shrink it back.

La Pizza Rina - Hawaiian Pizza

As a snobby Jersey pizza gavone, I rarely get pizza outside of New York and Jersey. Maybe Chicago, if I feel like eating a slab. After a long day of hiking and horseback riding, we collapsed at Courtney's place and planned to go to a sushi or local place after a nap. Didn't happen. Thankfully she had a pizza menu on the fridge, so I gave La Pizza Rina a call.

"We no deliver late Friday!" was the answer I got. I pumped the address into the Google and it was a short drive away, so I ordered a large pie with Canadian Bacon and Pineapple, what we'd call a Hawaiian-style pizza back East. Actually I think I first had that combo in California, and in Italy they claim it is a German invention. Wikipedia knows all.

In NYC, the Chinese places outside of Chinatown are run by Mexicans and the Mexican places are run by Chinese. So I was not wary when I walked in and the cooks and clientèle were all of Asian extraction. I grabbed the pizzas, a passion fruit drink and a diet coke, and a bag of breakfast rolls (danishes, cinnamon and pain chocolate, etc) for about $20. That's a good deal anywhere.

I was surprised at how good it was. The New York water helps give it that chewy bubbly crust, but theirs was pretty damn good. They didn't coat the pan with semolina crumbs like we do here, but the pizza folded properly and wasn't a revolting Midwest cracker-crust, it was a good hand-tossed dough. The sauce didn't stick out but also wasn't overly sweet, and they were extremely generous with the mozzarella. It wasn't fresh-made, but it was not greasy cheap cheese either. The toppings were tasty and generous as well.

I always comport myself with dignity

So you can get a good pizza