Showing posts with label I'm Black and I'm Proud. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm Black and I'm Proud. Show all posts

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Greasy Spoons: Ann's Snack Bar, home of the Ghetto Burger




The "best hamburger" is a subjective thing. Some people like little burgers, like White Castles; some like classic simplicity, such as The Burger Joint at the Parker Meriden NY; others want the most expensive ingredients, such as the $150 burger at The Burger Shoppe, crafted for coke-snorting Wall Street douchebags who think wagyu (aka Kobe) beef is meant to be ground into a burger. And still others like monstrosities. But even the Wall Street Journal sees through the pompous facade of a foie gras topped wagyu burger when simple fresh ground chuck has always been the foundation of a fine hamburger. They declared that the best was not to be had in New York, but on the outskirts of Atlanta, at a tiny unassuming roadstand called Ann's Snack Bar. I was immediately intrigued. This is not like some college slob saying that the truck near his dorm has the best hamburger, because it's the nearest slop his pot-addled brain can find when he gets the munchies. This is an esteemed newspaper run by the nasally whining snobs who've been the butt of jokes since Animal House and beyond. And if they'll deign to tiptoe into a working-class joint like this, where Ann reigns like an unpretentious Soup Nazi, I had to check it out.



Business sent me to Atlanta- which may have horrible traffic, but makes up for it with a spate of excellent restaurant finds. Love sushi? Go to MF Sushi, aka Magic Fingers sushi. I had some of the best since my visit to Tokyo there; Osaka-style pressed lobster rolls and ama ebi to die for. Want a raw bar and a great beer selection? Head to Six Feet Under, which has local Sweetwater beer on tap (my fave being the Blue, with blueberries) and buckets of oysters, clams and peel 'n eat shrimp ready to roll. But for burgers, there's only one place to go, and that's Ann's.

Off a slightly decrepit county highway you'll find a likely jam-packed parking lot hiding a diner car with a porch extension built onto it. Park properly and politely, and don't leave a dog in your car. And heaven help you, don't talk on your cell phone while you're waiting. You'll be out on your burger-less ass. Miss Ann runs a tight ship. While I waited, one guy was kicked out for talking loudly on his phone, and another guy had his dog in the back of his truck. When you manage to get in, act like a guest in her house, like she's invited you over to a backyard party, and you'll be alright.

She's most famous for the Ghetto Burger- a slow-cooked 1 pound patty of fresh, never frozen ground beef, topped with chili, cheese and a few slices of thick bacon cooked in the fryer. The meat is liberally seasoned from a container with the label removed, but my guess is Lowry's or similar, with cayenne. You'd best be patient. It takes a long time, ten or fifteen minutes, once your burger is on the grill- this keeps it juicy, so grab some sweet tea or fruit drink with your order, sit on a stool, and wait. I brought a paperback, to keep me from fiddling with my Blackberry.

Miss Ann may have her peculiar ways, but she makes a great burger that barely fits on the plate, for a mere $7. I cut mine in half and still had trouble wrapping my mouth around it. It is best described as a double bacon chili cheeseburger, and it served as lunch and dinner that day. Without fries. It's huge, filling, and delicious. I've had a 1-pounder burger before at Krug's Tavern, Down Neck in Newark- theirs isn't bad, but Ann's blows it out of the water. Your typical chili cheeseburger with bacon drowns any beef flavor out with a cavalcade of toppings, but Ann's seasoning lets the beef ring through. It tastes like something your mom made for you, if she catered to your hyperbolic demands. The soft bun, the crispy bacon, the tangy chili and the quick zap of cayenne on the meat before the juicy beef mellows everything out- it's one hell of a burger.

I think that's a big part of the appeal of Ann's; it is down home cooking. While she has her rules and may snap at you if you break them, she was a sweet lady when I came to visit, and blushed when I took her picture. Ann has a good sense of humor, too- calling the place a "snack bar" when all she serves is huge burgers- and there's no hipster irony in calling it a "ghetto burger." She's obviously proud of the reputation her cooking has built, and after thirty years of slinging burgers on the grill for neighborhood folks, getting folks visiting from all around is a bit of a surprise. The next time you're in Atlanta, you deserve a Ghetto Burger. Split it with a friend. She also makes other variants with cole slaw, or even a plain jane if you like. A place like the Varsity might be more famous, but a cozy joint like Ann's Snack Bar is an unforgettable experience.



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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Criterion Collection: The Naked Prey

Before there was Apocalypto, there was The Naked Prey. A man chased by a group of warriors through the jungle, with only his wits and perseverance to help him survive; it's a great premise for an action film, and both Mel Gibson's version and Cornel Wilde's are excellent pictures. They're both in part based on the experiences of one John Colter, known as the first "mountain man" of the American frontier. He began as a guide for the Lewis and Clark expedition, helping them discover passes in the mountains, and he was their best hunter, keeping them fed with wild game. After he was discharged from the Army, he became a trapper and is believed to be the first white man to find what would become Yellowstone National Park, and his tales of geysers and bubbling mud pits were laughed at, at the time.


Not-so-great white hunters

Later in life he was trapping with a companion was killed by Blackfeet warriors; Colter was instead stripped naked and told to run. They gave chase, and but Colter was able to kill one with his own spear, and eventually fled to the river, where he hid under logs until they assumed he'd drowned. It took him 11 days to walk 200 miles back to the nearest fort, with only a stolen blanket for warmth. That's a little less exciting than being chased for days by armed warriors, but still one hell of an survival tale.
You need three fiddy, you say? Poppycock!

The Naked Prey moves the action to Africa, mostly because it was cheaper to film there. For this, the film gets decried as racist, because his savage pursuers are quite brutal in their methods. But the story felt more sympathetic to them, to me. Cornel Wilde plays the prey- an unnamed man working as a safari guide for a rich, pompous ass. When they come to hunt on the land of a local tribe, he tells him to give the natives a gift of tribute, in respect of using their hunting grounds. He refuses, and insultingly pushes past the lead warrior, to Wilde's dismay. He even calls it a hand-out, making an oblique criticism to those who disdained LBJ's recent societal welfare.
You can choose death... or unga-bunga!

Later, when they are hunting elephants, they are set upon by the tribe in full force. Their carriers are beaten and butchered, and soon overwhelmed, they are all dragged back to the tribe's encampment, where they are tortured. This is probably what generates automatic revulsion to us; seeing the white hunters treated brutally, we expect it is to make us hate the "savages." But I see it as outside of our "civilized" rules; this is the law of the land. The invaders have insulted their hosts, and this is their punishment. I really felt no sympathy for the rude guy when he's put in the way of a cobra's only escape route; another man is covered in clay and baked alive. Our guide fellow, the only one who showed them any respect, is given a chance to live- stripped naked, like Colter, and given a head start of a hundred yards, a warrior is chosen to kill him.
The chase begins

I don't think the Lead Warrior (Ken Gampu- Zulu Dawn, The Gods Must Be Crazy, Kill and Kill Again) believed this was anything more than target practice for a young, untested warrior, and he's shocked when Wilde kills him with his own spear. We cannot understand anything the tribesmen say, but from the emotions on the dead boy's face and the leader's, I assume he was his kinsman, or even his son- or maybe just one of the tribe's young warriors that he was training. The chase begins, now fueled by revenge.
The enemies are consistently humanized.

I've said before that films without much dialogue, like Wall*E and silent films, tend to engage you more deeply, if you give them the chance. The Naked Prey is no exception. The fugitive's adventures in the African sveldt, between five murderous men and the jungle's menagerie of hungry beasts, makes it easy to keep us on the edge of our seats. He has only his skills as a hunter, and perhaps the inexperience of his pursuers to help him.
The blood is off-camera but feels visceral through smart direction.

Like Apocalypto, the stunning scenery is almost a character in the film. Our protagonist uses it to his advantage, hiding, hunting, and tricking those behind him every way he can. He gets a lucky break here and there, but there is nothing that says he triumphs because of any innate superiority. Later, when he sees a neighboring tribe being attacked by what seem to be slavers, he even helps fight them until they are overwhelmed. He narrowly escapes, and meets an orphaned child from the village, who saves his life; they wander together for a while. He even manages to garner a mutual respect with the Warrior Leader chasing him.
And now you decide to step on a mamba? Thanks, man.

The film is still engaging and exciting, and there's not much a remake could add; Apocalypto has more insane stunts, but those can take you out of the spell a movie casts. The Naked Prey's influence reaches further still- when I finally watched Duel, the little driver's triumphant jig is a lot like Wilde's when he pulls a fast one on his enemies. The film revels in its natural surroundings and uses them for allegory; there's an extended sequence of a baboon and a cheetah fighting to a standstill; we'd expect the baboon to be an easy meal, but like Wilde, it's a surprisingly formidable foe. The tribesmen are never looked down upon as savages; the hero is transformed by the land to behave just as they do. Their deaths are never as throw-away cannon fodder; they are formidable, and their obsessed leader mourns them, and treats them with value. When one is bitten by a snake, they stay behind and tend to him, whereas in your typical action picture he would be killed as a burden. And no one says "bwana."
And let us never speak of this again.

While it's still a pulpy type of story, it still manages to be a great survival story, and and a great action movie. The Criterion Collection DVD has a stunning picture except for some grainy wildlife shots which is due to the source material. The extras include Paul Giamatti reading the story of John Colter, commentary, and music cues created by the director for the film.



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Monday, April 28, 2008

Ralph Bakshi's Coonskin

Like Bob Clampett's masterpiece "Coal Black and de Sebben Dwarfs," and Disney's sadly buried Song of the South, Coonskin is one of the more infamous animated films. Like those films, it is sort of unofficially "banned;" it's not available on an official DVD, but you can get a VHS copy burned to DVD if you look around. It's also on Google video and youtube in its entirety.
Scatman sings over the main titles

Ralph Bakshi has always been controversial, most famous for Fritz the Cat, and most infamous for the godawful Cool World. I feel bad for Ralph because you can see what he's trying to do sometimes, but he doesn't always have the talent and/or money to achieve it. There's a saying that art fails when concept outstrips performance, and his career is unfortunately living proof. Some of his projects, like Heavy Traffic or Wizards, work pretty well on their own. Coonskin has a lot of weak spots, but it's pretty unique in its daring, at least until Spike Lee made Bamboozled. It also has a pretty solid cast and some great social commentary, and some of Bakshi's better animation work.
Even the prison walls be white!

We start out with a revivalist preacher giving a sermon, which goes on for way too long and makes little sense, then we cut to a scene outside a prison wall where Old Man Bone (Scatman Crothers, the best part of the movie) and Randy (holy shit, it's Philip Michael Thomas!) are waiting for the getaway car, driven by Preacherman and Sampson (a perfectly cast Barry White). To pass the time, Bone tells him the story of Brother Rabbit, Brother Bear and Brother Fox as they carve out a criminal empire in Harlem.
Rabbit, Fox and Bear.

That's where we switch to animation, often on top of real backgrounds. Barry White then voices Brother Bear, Randy becomes Br'er Rabbit, and Scatman plays Pappa, a street guy who narrates and raps at the audience during the many interludes. Roger Ebert didn't think it was exploitation, but I'm not sure. It's arty for sure, but Bakshi always knows how to use sex and violence to make the medicine go down.
Oh yeah, I did shoot the deputy. My bad.

The story doesn't resemble the Uncle Remus tales much, since they're all partners here. Later on it the story, Rabbit does use the "don't throw me in the briar patch" trick to escape once. The fellas are running a cathouse in the South when the sheriff comes to take his cut. They give him a freebie with one of the girls, but it turns out to be his own daughter! So they have to shoot him and go on the lam, heading up to Harlem.
The Sopranos season 12

Up there things are run by the Mafia, run by the Godfather of course, who looks like a wrinkled fat vampire covered with moles. They also have to deal with Simple Savior, a fat black preacher who's running his own scam on the neighborhood. There's not much of a plot really, and the movie is boring when it tries to adhere to the flimsy one it has. The best parts are the biting satire and comedy on race relations, from a nasty cop who gets dumped in blackface in Harlem and shot by other cops, or black caricatures trying to get it on with Miss America, or a Jemima-like Mammy chasing a pancake and shooting it.
Mammy Two Shoes is done takin' shit.

There's a bit of crossover with Bakshi's earlier film Heavy Traffic, about a young animator living at home with his small-time mobster father and Jewish mother, escaping with his black girlfriend Carole. (His drawing a cartoon set to Chuck Berry's "Maybelline" was the movie's high point for me). The mafia spoof is similar here, but more vicious, with the Godfather's gay son trying to prove himself being a running joke. The best parts resemble Melvin Van Peebles's Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song.
No, you don't get a piece of this pie, either.

My favorite parts are with Scatman Crothers; he gets some of the better social commentary and has the benefit of being a decent actor. He also sings scat and for a few sequences, including one in the next clip that was used in Ice-T's


Scatman Crothers gives a little rap.

On the other hand, there's a lot of tedious, dated stuff that was meant to make white audiences uncomfortable, like the sequence where a white couple tries to explain how they "understand" the plight of the ghetto and so on, in a Phil Ochs "Love Me I'm a Liberal" sort of way.
We understand your plight, we watch Fresh Prince!

So while some scenes make it feel like a relic, for its time it was shocking and poignant. I give Ralph Bakshi a lot of crap, but he reaches for the stars, so I shouldn't be so hard on him when he falls extremely short sometimes. The independent animator is at the whim of the producer, and we all know what horrible taste the money men have a lot of the time. Coonskin can be tedious at times, but it's one of the most biting racial satires put to film, along with Bamboozled, Blazing Saddles, and Watermelon Man. It's worth hunting down if you like strange films, blaxploitation, or animation beyond the Disney variety.

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Putney Swope - Don't Rock the Boat... Sink It!

Putney Swope is probably best known for the reference in Boogie Nights; Don Cheadle's character, Buck Swope, is named after the film. It's somewhere between a 60's head film and a 70's rebel film. It succeeds in some ways and fails in others, but if you like the weird films of the 60's, it's a must. Filmed by Robert Downey Sr., it's the story of a Madison Avenue ad agency that puts its one black executive in charge, and the hijinks that ensue. I'm a big fan of Melvin Van Peebles's movies such as Sweet Sweetback's Badasssss Song and Watermelon Man, so was eager to see another film of this sort.
Putney Swope and his bodyguard

Putney Swope is the one black member of the board of an advertising agency; when the Chairman dies during a board meeting, they vote by secret ballot for the new Chairman, and since they all want a "token" vote for Putney... he gets elected by a landslide. He immediately takes over, renames the company Truth & Soul, Inc., refuses to advertise cigarettes or war toys, and brings in his afro and dashiki entourage.

It's less of a satire on race relations than a pointed jab at Advertising, and most of the best jokes are either the bizarre commercials Swope and crew come up with, how people and companies both eat it up, or the insane products the companies foist on the public. Swope isn't really a revolutionary, and this is certainly not a "Madison Avenue meets Blazing Saddles" kind of movie. It's more like The Magic Christian and other Terry Southern-inspired films of the 60's that attack the status quo. They poke at the revolutionary fervor of the 60's as well, with Antonio Fargas as a black Muslim and others.
Viva le revolucion, baby.

When someone from the Audie Murphy toy company is raving about their Junior Flamethrower that runs on ordinary lighter fluid, and Swope suggests selling a crappy window cleaner as a soft drink in the ghetto, you know their targets. The commercials themselves vary from amusing to insane, though in my opinion none of them do better than the skit comedy anthology The Groove Tube for laughs, but the satire is biting and poignant. For example there's this ad for Fan-Away, which shows a gal dancing in a trash-strewn alley with a bum passed out in it, and she says "You can't eat an air conditioner." This type of commercial actually made the air later, where street sensibility and an abstract concern about starving homeless people would be used to hawk products and a lifestyle, so the film was ahead of its time with this one.
Another was for Lucky Airlines, which just has 3 sexy girls in slow-mo bouncing their boobies in an airplane, and wrestling with a guy in his underwear, which would have been shocking in 1969 but with a few edits could be an ad today.



Tig Bitty Airline commercial

The commercials are in color and most of the movie is in black and white, so they pop out at you. My favorite isn't on youtube, sadly. A voice-over describes "Ethereal Cereal" and its health benefits as the camera slowly pans in on a black family at breakfast. The man of the family looks oblivious, as he boredly eats his cereal, when the voiceover asks him, "Jim, did you know it also has .002 ESP units of pectin?"
"No shit?"

The film isn't above having products like Dinkleberry's Chicken Pot Pies, either. It's actually quite a bit of fun, as Swope transforms into "The Man" he set out to crumble, begins donning a Fidel Castro outfit as his cohorts call him a cop out. The film starts to fall apart at this point, aiming for absurdity. Swope's rival turns out to be a dwarf, but nothing really funny happens with him. Mel Brooks has a tiny cameo as a customer in sunglasses who says "Forget it, baby!" when Swope takes over, and I wonder if this influenced Blazing Saddles in any way.
Mr. Big

The film does have its comedic moments like when the War Toy manager realizes he'll be out of a job:


A homosexual... or worse!


It also riffs on artists, such as when a photographer is trying to get a job with Swope, starting at an outrageous price and then bargaining himself down because he needs the work.


The sad lot of the freelancer.

The movie isn't perfect, and part of it comes from Robert Downey's decision to dub his own voice over Arnold Johnson's for Putney Swope. He has a plain, gravelly delivery that isn't obviously a dub, but it seems just off enough. He also does a lot of shots with Swope's mouth obscured to make the lip syncing easier. With the right actor this might have been a less forgotten classic. It definitely has its moments, and is commendable for its daring. It just lacks that spark that would catapult it into hilarity, and a more lively, charismatic star using his own voice would have done it.

Who was going to do it, though? Sidney Poitier? There weren't a lot of lead roles for blacks back in '69 and something like this could sink a career. Or make one. 5 years later Cleavon Little would be unforgettable as Bart in Blazing Saddles, but it would be his only lead role. So it's hard to fault it. It's still one of a kind, a great poke at TV commercials, and still funny today.

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Monday, March 10, 2008

My Black Family

1. The Lord loves a workin' man.
2. Don't trust whitey.
3. If you get it, see a doctor and get rid of it.

I'll say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud. My friend Peter once said that we white children of the 70's were raised in a black family. Our cousins were Raj and Re-Run; we had uncles and aunts such as John Amos and Shirley Hemphill; we had a well-off cousin named George Jefferson who left the neighborhood; and the dirty old grand-uncle of Redd Foxx, all put to the music of Quincy Jones. In the 80's this became the Cosbys and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but they felt more sanitized, and while I could watch the shows, I didn't feel like part of the family.
Some of the kids I grew up with.

"What's Happening!!" was a spin-off of the 70's high-school flick Cooley High, which is pretty good and worth seeing for a slice of 70's nostalgia. Some call it the "Black American Graffiti" which is sort of condescending and inaccurate, since the California film never sets foot in a high school. I like to think of it as a precursor to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Anyway, here's a poster for the movie, and you can see I would fit right in because we wear the same hats.
Everyone remembers Re-Run from the show, but the gals were where it was at. Shirl was so cruel and so funny. Shirley Hemphill was a comedian, and I saw her in the late 90's shortly before her death. She performed at the Mall of America, not the most exclusive of venues, but she was very funny and I'm glad I got to see her. She had told us emotionally of Mabel "Mama" King's tragic fight with diabetes, and they both passed away the same year. Re-Run held on a decade longer, but all the funny fat folks from the show have passed on. So I'll stop grumbling about the NutriSystem oatmeal that Firecracker made for me this morning, even though it is causing gaseous emissions that could be mistaken for the warning eruptions of a volcano.
R.I.P, Shirl.
Dee was also pretty funny and caustic, and my little sister's name also started with D, so we often thought of ourselves as Raj and Dee, despite me resembling Re-Run in my earlier years. And us both being whiter than a Land O'Lakes White American cheese sandwich with mayo on Wonder Bread.

Sanford & Son was another favorite. It's often looked back upon with embarrassment by us white folk because he ran a junkyard and that's somehow demeaning, but Redd Foxx built his career on poking fun at character types, and we all knew someone like him, black or white. Like Archie Bunker.
Note the hat.
If you've never heard Redd Foxx's comedy act, he was famously filthy and hilarious. He would hardly be considered dirty today compared to Jim Norton and the like, and many of his double entendres could pass on primetime TV today, so he was certainly ahead of his time. His clever plays on words and euphemisms are refreshing and witty now. I just watched two George Carlin shows, his latest HBO special (It's Bad for Ya) and one from 1978, Carlin Again!, (which seems to be completely uploaded to youtube) and it's amazing how different comedy is today. Carlin evolved but still injects his famous wordplay into his act; it's almost a lost art. I like a lot of modern comedy, but most of it is shock now; the 7 words you still can't say on television have become an integral part of everyone's act.

Good Times came a few years later, and despite having J.J. and his "Dyn-o-mite!" shenanigans was a good family show. John Amos is still one of my favorite actors, and I recall during one interview that he said he auditioned for Indiana Jones back in the day. Now that would have been something. This was the first black sitcom and was a spinoff once removed of "All in the Family," through "Maude." They lived in Cabrini Green, and James Sr. (John Amos) was a strong father figure at the time. The producers liked Jimmie Walker's embarrassing act and promoted that aspect of the show, which lead John Amos to leave. So they killed him off.
Even though John Amos didn't play many badasses in his career, the man himself certainly is one, for standing up for his principles. Esther Rolle soon followed, since she also didn't like the J.J. crap and wanted the show to portray a strong family. As a kid, this drama was all unknown to me, but Good Times wasn't the same without John Amos. I only saw reruns but we sure noticed how the show went downhill after he left. The whole story is of curse chronicled on the show's wikipedia page. John Amos is yet another criminally underutilized black actor, and his unforgettable role in Coming to America proves that he should get more screen time.
The Jeffersons were yet another spinoff of "All in the Family," another character-based comedy about a skinflint and his long-suffering wife. Weezy and George were a lot of fun but I couldn't relate. They lived in a de-luxe apartment in the sky-y-y, while we were growing up at my grandmother's place in a "mixed use" zone, as they call them now, which means we were surrounded by a truck depot, an Alcoa chemical plant, and other delightful things. No wonder I liked Sanford & Son, we used to play near a junkyard of sorts where a landlord and asphalt company owner dumped his old appliances and parked his trucks. Not far from there was the town mulch pile, what seemed like mountains of composting leaves that we'd jump in up to our armpits. And down the railroad tracks (of which we were definitely on the wrong side) was the oil baron's place where the train dumped coal. We'd jump from the train trestle into the coal and ruin our pants, and pick coal chunks out of our socks.

I like to mix champagne and Ripple... I call it Champipple.

I could go for a Champipple about now. Our neighborhood was "mixed" in other ways as well. I distinctly remember helping at least two Vietnamese kids named "John" learn English, and having to take my sneakers off before entering their apartments. Their moms probably regretted all those bags of shrimp flavored chips I ate. I remember nearly inciting a racial incident by inviting the black kids in my 3rd grade class to my birthday party, and breaking up a fight between Billy Erdeshon and a kid named Fred.


My childhood as portrayed by Steve Martin.


Many of my mother's coworkers were black at ITT, too. The company used to hold picnics every year and I worked at them from an early age, crushing boxes. Not really work, it kept me from eating too many free hamburgers and poundcake, and I remember Eddie the Cook introducing me to good barbecue ribs at an early age. And meeting my mother's boss Harold, and telling him he looked like George Jefferson. Oops. I was 9 and didn't know any better. And he knew he resembled him, he even jokingly called a woman at work "Weezy" to riff off it. Actually it was Reezy, since she was Teresa. That's my racist confession for the day.

Interesting that two of the shows have Archie Bunker to thank for their existence. It goes once more to show the value of a good bad example.

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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Black History Month: Big Bald Black Men Whom I Admire

Let's face it, there's just something about big bald black actors. There are roles only they can play, shoes only they can fit. Can you imagine Marsellus Wallace being played by a big bald white guy, like Stone Cold Steve Austin, or Jason Statham, or even Vin Diesel? (Though apparently Vin is biracial, there's some oil in the diesel). It would not work. Pulp Fiction would be doomed to failure. Forrest Gump would somehow be worthy of beating it for Best Picture, which is crazy talk.

So in honor of Black History Month, which ends in a few days- we gave them the shortest day of the year, that was mighty white of us- in no particular order, here is my completely opinionated list of My Favorite Big Black Bald Guys and how they have influenced my life, and yours.

Keith David is one of the most underutilized actors working today. You probably know him best as the Dad from There's Something About Mary, with the immortal lines, "How'd you get the beans above the frank!?" But he wasn't bald in that! For me, he will always be Childs from John Carpenter's The Thing, with his cleanly shaven skull and ferocious smile. When he hacks down the steel door with a fireman's axe, he looks like he could kick the Thing's ass all by himself. And eat it.


If you forgot The Thing, here's the whole movie in 6 minutes.

On the internet, he's probably more well-loved for his role in another Carpenter film, They Live. You know, the one with the sunglasses, and the aliens, and Rowdy Roddy Piper... and one of the longest fight scenes in film. Probably to appease the wrestling fans who can to see their hero sans kilt, Mr. David and Roddy ad-libbed their fight scene for several hours, all of which are in the rare director's cut of the film, which I sold on ebay to make my enormous fortune. Let's view it here, in the shorter theatrical cut, which only lasts 36 minutes.


Just wear the damn glasses, Keith.

The other thing Keith David has going for him is a great voice. He narrates documentaries and commercials, and may be fondly remembered by people nerdier than I as a voice from the cartoon "Gargoyles." He narrated Ken Burns' documentary on Jazz, but wasn't in the IMDb for it, so I just submitted it. You're welcome, Mr. David! I'd be floored if you sent me an email or a signed photo.

To end his entry on a disturbing note, if you saw the soul-crushing Requiem for a Dream, he plays Big Tim, the pimp who tells Jennifer Connelly, "I know it's pretty baby, but I didn't take it out for air." Chilling words you never want to hear his basso voice whisper from across a dark prison cell. On the other hand, how'd he let this photo be taken?



Irving Rhames. It takes a real bad-ass to be called "Ving" and not have anyone ask "what the hell is a Ving?" for 13 years until I finally saw it was short for Irving. Names definitely factor into the person we become, and I'm sure Mr. Rhames' badassery is due in part to growing up in Harlem with the name Irving. I was even more shocked when his IMDb bio said that SUNY roommate Stanley Tucci gave him the nickname. Well, that sort of makes sense, since we Italian-Americans like to shorten nicknames down to one syllable, if not one letter. Thus the progression of being called, Anthony! Tony! Tone! T! Ving's lucky he's not Irv or V.
Everyone remembers his performance in Pulp Fiction, which is iconic and unforgettable, and endlessly over-quotable. I'm not going to make you relive his rape scene set to "Yakety Sax," though that would be extremely funny. That song makes anything funny. Someone has set it to "My Sharona," however.
I liked him a lot in Bringing Out the Dead, the Scorsese movie so few people seem to love. I think it's a fantastic dark comedy, and has some of the best performances its leads have given in years. Nicholas Cage, for example, actually acts. John Goodman and Ving are both great in it, and Aida Turturro is incredible as the cold nurse. Go rent it now.
He was also the best part of the Dawn of the Dead remake, so here he is in all his bad-assery.


Fuck y'all.

#3. Scatman Crothers
Although Benjamin Sherman "Scatman" Crothers is most famous for getting killed by Jack Nicholson in The Shining, he was a badass and a very memorable part of the collective 80's childhood. Not only was he Jazz in the Transformers, but he was also Hong Kong Phooey, one of the first African-Americans to break the barrier and play an Asian canine. His comforting voice, reading off the long list of the food in the Overlook Hotel from this scene in The Shining, would be perfect to lull yourself off to sleep with. Turkeys, hams, legs of lamb, beans, ice cream... everything a growing boy needs, right Doc?

There are three videos on youtube of Scatman Crothers singing, but they cannot be embedded, so click if you want to hear: Mean Dog Blues, Ain't She Sweet, or End of the Road. Here he is in Black Belt Jones- The Prequel! kicking some ass in 70's blaxploitation style.


Bet you've never seen him with hair.

Now, in The Shining he played a psychic, a character created by Stephen King. Our next Big Bald Black Dude also had supernatural powers in a Stephen King movie, The Green Mile. We'll get to Stephen King and black people later, because he likes to write about magical negroes. Now before you get all up in my ass, Spike Lee created that term and I am quoting the diminutive director, whose movies I love and admire. Especially Bamboozled.

Mr. Duncan, whom I've accidentally called Michael Darke Cluncan, is one of my favorite tough guy actors. Who else could play a hulking behemoth with a gold ball for an eye, or make America smile by beating the crap out of Ben Affleck? No one, that's who. I'm glad he's popular enough now that people don't mistake him for Ving Rhames, because Google Image Search sure is racist.

Back to Stephen King. As much as I enjoy his books, have you noticed that he's not all that great at writing black characters? If you slogged through the Dark Tower series and met Detta Walker, it's about as comfortable as sitting through those clips from Bamboozled I posted a few lines up. I have a theory, and let me put it forth to you.

Stephen King has never met a black person. In Maine, they are considered mythical creatures, like unicorns. He's only seen them in books and perhaps on "What's Happening?" and thought Rerun was leprechaun. That's the only explanation for why they always have the "shining," or the "whatever the things flying out his mouth in The Green Mile were." Now you may say bring up the excellent movie The Shawshank Redemption, but I credit Morgan Freeman for reading the script (he was Easy Reader on Electric Company after all) and saying "What's this shit about me having a unicorn's horn?" Trust me, it's on IMDb in the trivia section. Or will be soon.

Here's Michael Clarke Duncan with my cousin, Lou Taylor Pucci. They met at the premiere of Lou's first film. Thankfully now Lou has developed secondary sexual characteristics, and doesn't look like a blonde Javier Badem from No Country for Old Men. If you follow the link to his website, you'll see proof that he can grow a beard. I bet some of The Dunc's manliness rubbed off on him.

Another one of the better actors of our time who doesn't get enough work. Get Shorty, The Cider House Rules, Clockers, Domino. These are just a few. He can play the heavy or go subtle. He was also in one of my favorite trashy 80's movies, The Blood of Heroes. I'll review that for one of my 80's Trash of the Week posts, just you wait. Mr. Lindo was in one of Congo's funnier scenes, he's the Captain who won't let Tim Curry eat the sesame cake. Because there are no good scenes of him in Get Shorty up on the 'tube, I'll let you laugh at how bad Congo is. This is the Michael Crichton movie about ancient killer gorillas. The book was hilariously dated the day it came out, about blue diamonds used to make 128k microchips with humongous storage. The movie is not much better.



THE END

Wait, you're saying. What about Samuel L. Jackson? Now I love Sam as much as the next guy and I know he's bald underneath that Kangol hat, but his best roles have all included hair. Mace Windu? He got killed by emo brat Hayden Christiansen! Shaft? There's only one Shaft, and I'm sorry, he doesn't have the triforked beard of Poseidon. Richard Roundtree is the only Shaft in my book. He's a badass and always will be, but like Laurence Fishburne, he looks much better with a head of hair or a hat on his head.

One more Honorable Mention:

#5a. Tommy "Tiny" Lister Jr. aka Deebo
Also known as the President from The Fifth Element, Tiny Lister has presence and certainly deserves better than the small roles he's been landing lately. Who can forget Deebo from the Friday movies, on his little bike? I thought he did a damn fine job as President Lindberg, too. Maybe someday he'll be as legendary as the others, but until then, honorable mentions to you, Tommy!

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