Watchmen embroiled in legal battle

From the BBC:

Legal battle over Watchmen movie

The film had been due to be released in March

Film studio Twentieth Century Fox has applied to a Los Angeles court to block the release of Watchmen, based on the comic books written by Alan Moore.

Fox, which says it bought film rights to the series in the 1980s, has been given the go-ahead to launch an injunction against rival Warner Bros.
"We respectfully disagree with Fox's position and do not believe they have any rights," a Warners spokesman said.
Fox said it "will be asking the court to enforce our copyright interests".

'Copyright interests'
The movie, about flawed superheroes, has already been filmed and was due for release 6 March. It stars Patrick Wilson and Jeffrey Dean Morgan and is directed by Zack Snyder, who made hit movie 300. Last week US District Court Judge Gary Feess said Fox could hold some of the rights to the material, even if it did not hold all rights.
Fox spokesman Gregg Brilliant said it planned to stop the release of the movie and "any related Watchmen media that violate our copyright interests in that property".
His Warner Bros counterpart, Scott Rowe, said: "The judge did not opine at all on the merits, other than to conclude that Fox satisfied the pending requirements."

Hopefully this won't delay the movie too much; Fox probably wants a bite. Otherwise why wouldn't they get them to stop filming?

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Pineapple Express

What if Terence Malick decided to make a stoner action comedy? Well, that didn't happen. But David Gordon Green, a director heavily influenced by him, who made the excellent and acclaimed George Washington, has done so. Under the auspices of producer Judd Apatow, the film still has the frenetic buddy comedy framework of The 40-Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up, but has the unique look of David Gordon Green's movies, and the loving setting of depressed urban backdrops behind the hilarious character-based comedy dealt out by Seth Rogan, James Franco, and Danny McBride.

The plot is simple- Seth Rogan plays Dale, a process server who's also a hardcore pothead, who drives around down serving subpoenas and toking all day (And thankfully, this Judd Apatow movie has subpoenas and no gratuitous "poenas"). After he picks up some new Hawaiian weed from his dealer Saul, he goes to serve a subpoena on someone and sees a murder, and ends up running from the killers for the rest of the movie. It's that simple. Of course he heads back to Saul's place to hide and the buddy movie begins, with Rogan playing a slightly more jumpy version of his usual film persona and James Franco giving the best slurring stoner with hilarious epiphanies since Brad Pitt sat on the couch with a honey bear bong in True Romance. He manages to craft a character I hadn't seen him play before, but I'm told is not a far cry from work he did with Rogan in "Freaks & Geeks." They have great chemistry together and that is what makes the film- against the backdrop of cinematographer Tim Orr's visuals- rise above the pack.


The rest of the cast include familiar faces like the creepy guy and the violent guy from the party in Superbad, the doorman from Knocked Up, and Danny McBride in one of his funniest roles as a middleman dealer named Red. McBride has been in both Apatow flicks (Drillbit Taylor) and David Gordon Green (All the Real Girls), and his own film which didn't get great distribution, The Foot Fist Way (it comes to DVD at the end of September). Plus we have Lumberg from Office Space as the bad guy, Rosie Perez as a crooked cop, and Ed Begley Jr. in his best role in years as Dale's girlfriend's Dad.

Drug movies can be hit or miss; while Saul and Dale are high out of their minds for much of the film, their bumbling stupidity while sober keeps the comic energy flowing. The infamous car chase, definitely funnier than Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny's, rivals those of the Arkin-Falk classic The In-laws. Once again, Seth Rogan crafts a hilarious screenplay that feels like a late-'70s/early '80s romp updated. The third act, which follows the buddy cop formula so closely that it reminded me of the first Lethal Weapon, and definitely knows it- there's a shot where someone gets caught in a ju-jitsu triangle choke just like how Riggs kills the torturer.
Pineapple Express keeps the humor full on even as people get shot left and right while dodging through hydroponic pot gardens, and never gets serious even when we think it will. I enjoyed that more than the typical comedy script that turns dramatic to pull heartstrings; we have emotion invested in Dale, Red and Saul by the end of the movie and we don't need a tearful interlude to force it. Rogan's script and Green's direction are smart enough to know this and veer away from formula in this regard. For a film geek, it was great seeing Green's Malick-esque shots of the boys cavorting in the woods, or seeing iconic neighborhood people in the corners as they talk on grimy payphones. I didn't think it was as funny as Superbad or as thrilling as Lethal Weapon, but it was engaging as hell to see the stoner buddy comedy get tossed with the buddy action film plot in a way we haven't seen since the Cheech & Chong movies, and done so much better.

3.5 tokes out of 4, and don't Bogart it, dude.

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David Zucker makes Michael Moore parody 4 years too late

Dennis Miller used to be funny; then 9/11 happened and made him crazy. Now I was working in Manhattan on 9/11; it affected me as much as anybody who didn't lose loved ones there. I got heartburn every time I thought about it for years. But let's face it, when Dennis Miller decided he was a conservative pundit instead of an equal opportunity political comic, the humor drained out of his butt like he ate 6 bags of Olestra potato chips. There are funny conservatives- I'm pretty sure Norm MacDonald is conservative, and I find him funny as hell.

David Zucker, who helped bring us classics such as Airplane!, The Naked Gun, Top Secret! and Kentucky Fried Movie, has suddenly decided that not only is Michael Moore relevant, but is deserving of an entire movie parodying him. The last few movies he produced were the Scary Movie sequels, so it's obvious he's lost any comedic talent he once had as the famous Zucker-Abrams-Zucker team. Or maybe like the Order of the Triad, he only has power when the ZAZ work in tandem. I'll let you be the judge, when you view this trailer to his new movie, An American Carol that debuted on "The O'Reilly Factor," since Bill O'Reilly actually stars in the movie as someone who gets to slap Michael Moore.

Michael Moore is a polarizing director. I was a huge fan of Roger & Me, and his TV show "TV Nation." I even went to Philly to see Crackers the Corporate Crime Chicken. I also liked his movie The Big One, and went to the premiere in Minneapolis, met him again, got his autograph. Then Columbine happened and he went sort of crazy. He always brings up that he learned to shoot in a youth rifle club of the NRA, but he got unhinged after a kid in Flint Michigan brought an illegal gun from his uncle's drug-dealing roommate's dresser to school and shot a young girl that he'd previously stabbed with a pencil. The NRA was somehow to blame for this.

We got into an email argument over it; this was back when you could email him. Sadly my old email program ate them and I can't share them here. His argument was "it's gone too far," and attacking a senile Charlton Heston was the answer. I never forgave him for that, and think his documentaries have suffered since he's gotten so strident. Even in Roger & Me he was accused of setting things up to look one way when reality disagreed, and most documentaries have a slant. Some of the greatest, like Harlan County U.S.A. and The Thin Blue Line have definite agendas. The father of the documentary who gave us Nanook of the North infamously staged most of the scenes. But those films didn't take a complex, polarizing issue like gun control and try to stack the deck and convince people to your side of the argument with bad facts.


That being said, I loved Sicko, where he seemed to get back to his prankster style of filmmaking, when he tried to bring a bunch of American citizens who'd been failed by our ridiculously expensive and coldly bureaucratic health care system to Guantanamo Bay, where enemy combatants were getting better treatment. Then again, one of my favorite recent comedies is Team America: World Police by the "South Park" guys, which makes fun of Moore and American foreign policy.

An American Carol looks like it's 5 years too late to be funny. There was a time when we might have believed that critics of the Iraq War actually hate America. $500 billion later, when we're still pumping cash into Iraq when they have a $90 billion surplus in their budget and our economy is taking a plunge, folks are starting to question why we threw 4000+ American lives and 30,000 American limbs to put the party who blew up our Marine barracks in Beirut into power. Yes, they're our friends now, apparently. At least compared to the other parties trying to run Iraq. And this is from paleoconservative Paul Mulshine, not Michael Moore or some "America hater." The fact is the bad guys were in Afghanistan, we still haven't caught bin Laden, and we're losing Afghanistan because of lack of troops. And Russia is flexing its muscles because it knows we're spread thin. and... nevermind, everything's fine. Go see Scary Movie 8.

So who's going to see a movie where a country singer, Bill O'Reilly and a poor facsimile of General Patton show Michael Moore what makes America great? I didn't see one remotely funny thing in the trailer, sadly. It's old news, and was done better with pooping puppets by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. You know what makes America great? That Michael Moore can make his movies without being beaten down like a journalist who aims his camera at a "Free Tibet!" sign at the Olympics in China. That we can make fun of Michael Moore and call him out when he skews his facts. That really funny movies like Airplane! were made here, and yes, that even crap like An American Carol can be made here. It would be greater if useful idiots like Zucker didn't think that anyone who disagreed with his politics "hates America." Though I can imagine having to deal with the insipid Hollywood political activists is pretty infuriating.

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Doomsday - Rhona Mitra vs. Punkapocalyptica

The post-apocalyptic movies of the '80s had a few things going for them- we were at the tail end of the Cold War, and thousands of nuclear warheads were aimed at everybody. Now, they're just decrepit and unaccounted for. Also, there had been an oil crisis in the '70s and we were all concerned about fighting over it. Wait a minute. Does this mean... a new crop of post-apocalyptic movies could be at hand? Doomsday by Neil Marshall, who gave us the delightful low-budget werewolf blast Dog Soldiers and one of the best horror movies of recent years, The Descent, decides to test the waters with a little bit of 28 Days Later sprinkled on familiar classics such as Escape from New York and The Road Warrior. And mostly, it succeeds- it's a hell of a lot of fun.

Steve Martin, eat your heart out.

After a deadly outbreak of the Reaper Virus, which gives you giant warts on your face before you puke blood-snot and die, the British government seals off Scotland for 30 years to contain the virus. After a new outbreak in London, a wily female operative and her mostly stupid comrades are sent in to find a scientist named Kane, who may have a cure or vaccine. It's not quite clear. What is clear is that London has devolved into a criminal shithole reminiscent of the future represented in stuff like Ghost in the Shell, which also has a cybernetically enhanced hottie protagonist. Here, Major Eden Sinclair lost an eye as a child, when her mother sacrificed her life to get to da choppa!!! and save her from the virus. And now she's going back to kick some viral ass.

If I ran Bartertown, she would be forced to strut about in a chainmail bikini.

In 2035 Britain is shunned by the world for its Machiavellian solution to the plague. "Nip/Tuck" siren Rhona Mitra plays Major Sinclair, the black-clad super-cop leading the mission; her boss is the burly bristly badger Bob Hoskins, operating on orders from sleazy politicians who fear both uprisings and outbreaks. It soon becomes clear that if they can let an outbreak burn through areas rife with unrest, they'll do it instead of decreasing the poll tax or raising the dole or whatever they do over there instead of bread and circuses. Chips and tellies.

Eyepatches are hot. I'd raid her booty.

They send her to see what the Scots have done in 30 years of isolation and total breakdown of civilization; the survivors seem immune, but are they carriers? Sadly, the inventors of such culinary breakthroughs as the deep-fried Mars Bar have not fared well, and having run out of haggis, they now resort to cannibalism. Our intrepid heroes roll in with two big troop carriers straight out of Damnation Alley, and get struck by a horde of Post-Apocalyptic Punks as soon as they leave the safety of their vehicles. Thanks to that One Stupid Guy who has to help a teen waif in a heroin haze, they are all slaughtered in guerrilla style with Molotov cocktails, spiked cricket bats, and makeshift weapons. It's like Aliens in Chechnya.

Damnation Alley meets Aliens in Chechnya

Sol, the leader of the cannibalistic tribes, definitely resembles Wez from the Mad Max movies, and his hordes seem to have modeled things after post-apocalyptic movies they watched as kids. Believable enough. In a gunless society everyone resorts to knives, swords, clubs, crossbows and cudgels. Sinclair gets captured but two of her men lay low; the cannibal punks beat her up and ask her questions, but apparently draw the line at punching you hard. We soon learn that they're just tenderizing the meat, as another captive gets roasted alive on stage. They don't even gut him first, or make haggis. They throw Eden a chunk of him. "If you're hungry, have a piece of your friend."

I eat cannibals...

The film manages some controlled gore but doesn't go over the top, especially for a bunch of cannibals; the Reavers from Serenity were much more savage. Not that your bloodlust won't be sated by the Unrated version, which has headshots galore. I wondered how they chose the next meal, if no one's arrived in 30 years, and everyone seems to be in their mid-20's. Did they eat their parents? We'll find the Castle for Adult Living, later. Sinclair escapes in a brutal swordfight with Sol's mohawk-sporting girlfriend, dragging along another female prisoner who turns out to be his sister. They go to find dear old Dad, who turns out to be the scientist Kane they went to find in the first place.

Scantily clad women swordfighting? Count me in!

A lot of internet nerds think it all went pear-shaped here, when they run into Kane's people, who are dressed and armed like medieval knights and peasants, and live in a fortified castle only reachable through an underground bunker. It was fine with me; I never asked where the Humongous and company found all that S&M gear in The Road Warrior, why should I ask how they learned medieval armory skills? A shield looks like it's made from sheet metal scrap, so it's not too hard to imagine. Kane is played by Malcolm MacDowell as a tyrant bent on bringing back serfdom, and the movie makes it none too clear that the rulers on the outside only differ in their methods.

Her abs are only slightly harder than his armor.

There's a great duel between Sinclair and an armored knight with a morningstar, but Marshall's supposedly inspirational vision- of a modern or futuristic soldier facing a knight in armor- is never to be. Which is probably for the better, as I'm not sure how cheesy that would be. I imagine they'd have decided to make the armor bulletproof, when the reason it fell out of fashion was because it most certainly was not. We get plenty of action besides, with a final chase worthy of a Mad Max film, with a bunch of British vehicles done up in punk-apocalyptic garb vs. a Bentley GT. Too bad Sol couldn't scavenge up a Jaguar XKE- they manage to catch them anyway, this being a movie.

Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?

Of course it's derivative, but let's face it, the last movie of this type I can remember is Escape from L.A., which was fun but had a bit too much camp for my liking. Doomsday may not be a classic, but it's certainly entertaining. The ending shows that Major Eden Sinclair could be pals with Snake Plissken, and sets us up for a possible sequel that I doubt we'll ever see. That's too bad, because I'd watch it. The movie's flaws are minor- the cliche dumb guy who gets the team killed, and offing one of our favorite characters- the only guy who seems competent- to drum up some emotion in the third act. That, and the criminal offense of keeping Rhona Mitra's clothes on. I'll leave you with these images, which I'm sure will make you agree with gusto.

I'd tuck those nips.

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Lara Crotch: Womb Raider

Here's Allison Carroll, the new gal dubbed to wear the mantle of Lara Croft, now that Angelina Jolie is done with it. She certainly has the muscular thighs to make me believe she can run around with two pistols and backflip through ruins and such. But if you look more closely (click for larger) you'll see that Allison needs to tan better after shaving her British bush.

From The Sun:

Single Alison Carroll, 23, from Croydon was today unveiled as the public face and body of the Tomb Raider cyberbabe after beating hundreds of other girls to the coveted role.

She will now travel the globe meeting fans of the hit computer adventures and acting out stunts from the game.

But Alison told The Sun: "I'm single and having fun, I'm not looking for a long-term relationship as most men can't keep up with me.

"But playing Lara Croft, the sexiest game heroine there is, should get me a few more dates!"

This last photo really ought to have been culled before release, don't you think? She looks fresh from the waxer. Too bad she didn't snarl, as if to say, "a rude Korean woman just yanked out my pubes, and I am ready to kick the Dragon Emperor's ass and force Brendan Fraser to apply soothing creams to my nethers at gunpoint."

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The Goonies at Pier 46

This is one of the classic '80s kid movies and definitely the cream of the crop in that regard. I hated this movie when it came out, because like Gremlins and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I began to realize I was being pandered to as a demographic. I couldn't have said it in those words as an ornery 14-year-old punk, but I knew what they were doing. This is the first time I've watched it all the way through as an adult, and I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more now that I was unfettered by adolescent rebelliousness. I saw it on Pier 46 in Hudson River Park, with a bunch of friends on blankets with beer and sandwiches, and a great crowd. Firecracker and Darth Milk, being younger than me, got to see this movie uncolored by the anger of a fro-mulleted fan of the Dead Kennedys, and helped me restore the childlike sense of wonder required to enjoy the film fully.

One-Eyed Willie. Still funny after all these years...

The movie starts off unlike a kid movie, with a prison break-out by the evil Fratelli family, witnessed by the hyper motormouth kid, Chunk. He runs to tell his other misfit friends- the asthmatic, pensive Mikey (Sean Astin, Rudy and Lord of the Taters) and his buff yet outcast big brother (Josh Brolin, No Country for Old Men), wise guy "Mouth" (Corey Feldman, The Lost Boys) and the nerdy gadgetmonger "Data" (Jonathan Ke Quan), who plays a less annoying version of Short Round here. Mikey's family is losing their house and they stumble on a treasure map when cleaning the attic; this leads them toward the rocky Pacific shores, and of course... the hideout of the Fratellis- Mama (the always excellent Anne Ramsey, Throw Momma from the Train), and her bumbling sons, played by Joey Pantoliano (Memento, the Sopranos) and Robert Davi (Raw Deal). Part of what makes the movie so good is that they are actually scary. They want to stuff Chunk's hand in a blender to make him talk, the kids find a body in the freezer, and mean Mama Fratelli smacks the shit out of people. She even whacks Stef with a cutlass, nearly robbing our spank-banks of her splendor.

And then I...

Donner's brand of frenetic comic action that gave just the right amount of lightheartedness to the Superman movie works perfectly here. Donner has made some real crap (Scrooged, Lethal Weapon 3-4, Assassins, Radio Flyer) but would parlay this Joe Dante-lite cartoonish action into one of the best cop-buddy movies ever made (Lethal Weapon), which is amazing because his first big film was The Omen- a truly dark and sinister supernatural thriller. He moved on and made movies in his own voice after that big hit, which is admirable.

One of Data's less annoying moments

The movie manages to juggle the adventure of finding a pirate ship in your backyard- a kid's playground fantasy come to life- with a coming of age story, where misfit kids learn about life, and get to kiss girls many years their senior through shadowy subterfuge. Thankfully other than Data, they're not complete caricatures. Chunk perhaps, but he steals the movie. Data is the weak point of the film, with his gadgets saving the day a little too often. The chattering teeth grappling hook that saves him from spiky death is an eye-roller, but stuff like slick shoes and the boxing glove gag are just fine. I'm also very glad they cut out the octopus scene that still gets mentioned at the ending. It starts out funny, the resolution is really stupid and they were wise to leave it out.

Listen, Feldman... you're a has-been! shut up!

The kids are all well cast and play it natural. Sean Astin's Mikey may be a little too introspective, but you can imagine an asthmatic kid with an overprotective mom being a bookworm and having a lot of time to sit around and think while other kids were out playing. The girls, Andy (Kerri Green, Lucas) and the cute and feisty Stef (Martha Plimpton, Pecker) may not have a lot of screen time but manage to give off enough character to not be cut-outs. Kerri Green would be a spank bank staple, with her elfin grin and fiery hair; Martha Plimpton's perky looks and spunky attitude have their own charms as well. But enough creepy recollections of a 14-year-old's hormonal urges.

Mikey finally eyes his taters.

The real show-stealer is of course Sloth, the Fratelli's mutant sibling they keep locked in the basement. played by footballer John Matuszak (Dr. Death from "1st and Ten") in tons of make-up, he's sort of a lovable Quasimodo, who befriends Chunk instead of tearing him to pieces. The fact that the scenes work when he dons pirate gear and fights off his evil brothers to the triumphant score from The Adventures of Don Juan, even pausing to tear open his shirt and reveal a Superman symbol, is a testament to not only Donner's direction but Matuszak's physical acting skills. It could easily be so smarmy as to be embarrassing, or come off as mean-spirited. They wisely put so much make-up on Sloth that he transcends being a deformed or mentally retarded kid, and becomes unique, so we can see that they are trying to say "even retards can be cool" without going all After School Special on us. I worked with Special Young Adults in high school, and part of me regrets never finding out what some of them thought about Sloth.

Sloth love Chunk!

He's an iconic character among many- Corey Feldman's "Mouth," who could have taken over the film and thankfully was barred from doing so- Sean Astin's sympathetic Mikey, the energetic Chunk, Anne Ramsey as the gravelly-voiced Mama Fratelli, and the nearly insulting Data- that makes The Goonies a memorable classic, even though it was obviously crafted by Spielberg and Chris Columbus to be just that, with a Cyndi Lauper song written specifically for it. I think my hating it back in '84 was a result of pre-internet overhype, with Lauper and Captain Lou Albano's videos and wrestling tie-ins making me sick of hearing about the Goonies even before I saw it. But watching it now, I wish I'd been a bit younger when it came out, so I could have enjoyed it. It's deserving of its classic status, and seeing it on a big screen was awesome.

The ending

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Island of Terror - Skeleton-Slurping Snorkelupagusses

Ubiquipus strikes!!!

After seeing Deep Rising, about a giant squid that sucks the meat off your bones, I remembered its polar opposite- Island of Terror, a 60's horror movie about critters called "silicates" that feast on human bones! Preferably by sucking them out of your body. It was a Sunday morning movie staple on '70s TV, and the delightful noise the creatures made as they feasted upon their victims, sort of like slurping Jell-O while crunching on a mouthful of corn nuts, is unforgettable in a disturbingly hilarious way that sets the tone for the whole film.

Our intrepid heroes, two-fisted scientists

On a remote British isle, the government runs a lab where scientists use radiation to search for a cure for cancer. They unwittingly create fearsome monsters that reproduce by division, and soon threaten to take over the whole island. Peter Cushing stars as a scientist new to the island, where people and cows have begun disappearing. All that remains are mushy corpses missing their bones! And the mystery begins. Playing on our radioactive fears and attachment to our skeletons, Island of Terror may not be a Hammer film but surely plays as one of the better ones.

If an armadillo got drunk and humped a vacuum cleaner...

A good, classically trained actor can say anything and make it believable; Peter Cushing is one of those men. Imagine Morgan Freeman saying, "My testicles are made of an indestructible substance obtained from the center of the Earth." You'd believe it. I know I would. Peter Cushing doesn't talk about his invulnerable boy-berries, but when he tells us that these creatures are silicon-based, and require calcium to live, we damn well believe it. It helps that he has a floppy rubber corpse to illustrate his theories.

One of our spineless victims

When the monsters are finally revealed, they are armored slugs full of spaghetti with vacuum hose snorkels for mouths, and move so slowly that you wonder how they managed to kill anybody. You have to go to great lengths to get in the way of their snoots, which resemble a cartoon elephant's trunk searching for peanuts. My sister and I used to throw a ragged Afghan blanket over our heads and get one of the vacuum attachments from my grandmother's ancient Hoover to mimic the creatures. All things considered, it was a reasonable facsimile. My favorite death is when a guy attacks one with a fireman's axe, which bounces off their silicate armor plating. it of course grabs his leg, and Cushing stops anyone from getting closer to help him. Apparently the leg bone is connected to the (beat) thigh bone, and once they get you, you're finished.

Thanks for letting me die in agony, Cushing!

Nowadays, where do kids get to see their bad movies? The Sci-Fi Channel? A sad replacement for delights such as Chiller Theater. It's not really the same, since their movies never want to be more than crap. Island of Terror may have silly Snuffelupagus monsters, but they try to keep their origin rooted in science. Silly science, but science nonetheless. They even reproduce via mitosis, splitting in two like amoebas full of spaghetti. It was a fine distraction when years later, I learned the stages of mitosis.

Uh-oh, spaghettios.

In the middle of the movie, when they try killing them with shotguns, dynamite, and fire, the filmmakers seem to realize that sluglike creatures aren't a real threat. So they put one up in a tree. How it got there nobody knows, but it drops on one poor bastard who forgets to look up. They finally decide to starve the things to death, by herding all the cows away from them and of course, having everyone hole up in one building. The scene I remembered most was when they got on the roof and skylights, and their snorkels were poking through the windows... remember, when you're under attack from Spaghetti Snorkel Slugs, or anything else, stay away from the windows and watch those corners.

When your monster is this slow, you need skylights for suspense...

For silly horror fare, this movie should be a minor classic. It has a ridiculous yet unique monster, and very good effects for its time. It succeeds at scientific suspense with a few good gross-outs for the time, and even manages to be a bit scary during the final battle. There are better horror movies from the time- The Night of the Demon being particularly memorable- but this one is scientific instead of supernatural. The sound effects really must be heard to be believed (thanks to Bad Movies for recording it). And if you're bored one day, since it is not available on DVD, the entire thing is up on youtube.

pre-Barbarella we settled for gams instead of boobies

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80s Trash of the Week: Raw Deal! Nobody gives him a raw deal!

Nobody gives him a raw deal!

Shortly after the masterpiece that is Commando, Arnie took a nose-dive in this silly movie about an FBI agent who's now a sheriff in a podunk little town just because he roughed up a suspect too harshly. You believe that shit? Now he's stuck wearing a flannel shirt and chasing guys in his Jeep, instead of wearing a suit in Chicago, where his wife would rather be. It starts off well enough, with Schwarzenegger chasing a guy impersonating a motorcycle cop through cornfields, a junkyard, and a construction site. You can see a brute like Arnold in a lumberjack outfit driving a Jeep. A cornfed farm boy playing a small town cop, sure. How does he stop the guy? He sets him on fire. We begin to see why he was demoted from Federal agent. When he threw the book at a suspect, he probably shoved the Encyclopedia Britannica up the guy's ass.

Subtlety

When people compare Commando to Stallone's inferior Cobra, I get so emotional, baby. There is no comparison; Commando transcends stupidity and becomes art; it knows how ridiculous it is and embraces it like a long-lost sibling, which it then uses as a human shield to stop a hail of bullets, saw blades, axes and table legs. Unfortunately, Raw Deal has no wry Austrian grin on its face; we get one amazing set piece, but the rest is way too serious. Arnie hiding behind things for cover? What could shield his enormous physique?

Betty Crapper

We leave Hazzard County for Chicago when Arnie's old boss, Darren McGavin-- Kolchak the Night Stalker; the Old Man from A Christmas Story-- approaches him after a mob witness and all the Feds guarding him are slaughtered. He wants Arnie to infiltrate the Chicago mob and find the traitor who sold them out. That should be easy enough- a 250lb Austrian superman blends right in! After showing us his painful home life, with a bitchy wife who throws a "SHIT" cake at him, he fakes his own death with a marvelous, subtle plan. He parks his squad car at a gas refinery, which he then blows up. A baptism of fire. He is reborn, a new man, unrecognizable because now... he slicks his hair back like an Italian mobster.

I am perfectly disguised!

He plows into Chicago by beating up mobsters running high-stakes gambling houses full of rich folks in sleazy neighborhoods they'd never step foot into (Chicago boy Ebert found that especially amusing). He ices the shitcake by driving a tow truck through the building. Eventually a beleaguered mob boss hires him as muscle, since he's in the middle of a war. They hire a degenerate gambler broad named Monique to snoop on him, and she tries to get him into bed, but in post-'85 movie fashion, the only boobies we see are Arnold's. And I think they're bigger than hers anyway.

Honey, you really ought to wear a bra.

The next half hour is full of silly shootouts and car chases as the mob fights it out; there's a decent heist with a fake bomb squad, but nothing too memorable. For some reason, they decide to put a hit on McGavin, and make Arnie do it- but of course, he shoots the other mob hitters instead. McGavin is gravely wounded, and this gives Arnold the inspiration to root out the traitor HIS way.. by killing all the mobsters until he finds the guy. Process of elimination!

I went through zem like a bowl of gavadeel!

This leads to the movie's most memorable scene, which involves Schwarzenegger driving through a huge construction site in a Riviera convertible, shooting an H&K to "I Can't Get No (Satisfaction)" by the Rolling Stones. It's a great set piece, having him duel an earth mover and a dump truck, but unfortunately it fizzles out because the mob boss is elsewhere. Arnie suits up in a leather jacket with a bevy of guns, reminiscent of his famous role as The Terminator, but as he works his way up through the boss's high rise, it's not very exciting. Shoot, shoot, dodge. Shoot shoot shoot. He doesn't throw anyone out a window, or drop a mini-bar on anyone, or anything fun like that. Arnie does what he can with the script, but it gives him few chances to be the sardonic smart-ass we'd love in and Commando and Running Man.

Running Down a Goon

His buddy Sven-Ole Thorson from Conan the Barbarian shows up as a bearded thug, but they just shoot each other instead of brawling across the gleaming '80s decor. He finds the traitor because he's the only one left alive, cowering in a corner. I wish all police work was this easy! Turns out he's the balding weasel from "Murphy Brown," and he executes him in typical non-Arnie fashion, by tossing him a gun and waiting for him to pull it on him. He gave you a RAW DEAL, Arnie! Just shove a cocktail shaker through his heart and throw him off the top of the Hancock Building or something! The closest he comes to is when he kills the mob boss; he dumps a bowl of pills, which look like Good 'n Plenty candies, on his corpse. But he doesn't say a thing!

Now you're good and plenty dead!

After Arnie's obliterated every bad guy, he stumbles back to Darren McGavin's hospital room. The guy needs to learn how to walk again, and he's struggling. Arnie is supposed to encourage him, but he knows how silly this scene is. He's grinning the entire time, trying not to laugh at McGavin's earnest attempt at making this an emotional scene. It really bears watching, not only to see the effortless skill of a talented character actor, but also Arnie's evil grin as he calls him a girly-man for being a cripple.

Mein Fuhrer! I can valk!

You know who gets the raw deal? We do. Just remember: You should not drink and bake.

P.S. not to be confused with the good film noir by Anthony Mann from 1948!
P.P.S. Also contains the most horrifying pleasure trail outside of a werewolf movie:

Beers Required to Enjoy: 2
Could it be remade today? Straight to DVD
Quotability Rating: Low
Cheese Factor: Medium-Sharp
High Points: I Can't Get No Satisfaction
Low Point: the whole middle of the movie
Gratuitous Boobies: Just Arnold's mega-moobs

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Begone, foul words of the devil! Shrink it back.

Deep Rising: Attack of the Ubiquipus

There are rules in horror movies regarding tentacles; one is, don't be a an anime girl. And the other is, the tentacles can pop out anytime, anywhere, and get you. That is the Rule of the Ubiquipus, which can be everywhere at once. In the seafaring horror film Deep Rising, the world's largest and most luxurious cruise ship, the S.S. Hubris, is beset upon from all sides by the Ubiquipus, a group of hijackers, and a jewel thief after the goodies in the hold. It is a perfect storm of cliches, and while the movie was universally loathed by critics, the public also stayed away in droves. Which is a shame, because it is the greatest Sci-Fi Channel movie ever made. Unfortunately it debuted in theaters, where cheesy B-movies rarely fare well. If you want to see good actors stoop and be liquefied by a giant Lovecraftian beastie, this is definitely worth a rental.

"What the fuck are we doing in this?"

Let's face it, when a movie stars Treat Williams these days, you can't expect a lot going in. It's not like seeing Jeremy Irons show up in Dungeons & Dragons. Mr. Williams's rise began with Prince of the City, a great Serpico-style cop thriller, and Sergio Leone's classic mob drama Once Upon a Time in America. He peaked early, and eventually ended up in movies like Dead Heat, as a zombie cop named Roger Mortis alongside Joe Piscopo. He then played a memorable role as "Critical Bill" in Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead, before showing up as a sort of grumpy Han Solo captain in Deep Rising. Sure, he may not be starring in movies by luminary directors like Sydney Lumet and Sergio Leone anymore, but at least he's having fun with giant squid.

Extreme hentai action! (Watch my hit-count soar)

Treat plays Captain Finnegan, who runs a small vessel that takes "no questions asked" jobs, but seems rather naive about it. His engine man, Pantucci (Kevin J. O'Connor, Beni from The Mummy) is the comic relief of the film and feels like a more manic young Bruce Dern with Dweezil Zappa's hair-do. He grates sometimes but manages to keep a low-level comic energy that helps you forget some of the really stupid dialogue and things people do in this movie. He's got the hots for shipmate Leila, played by South Korean cutie Una Damon, but is too nosy for his own good. He also built the ship's computer system, which looks like they bought it from salvage off the Nostromo and added color monitors.

Audrey 3?

They're shuttling a bunch of tough guys to some spot in the middle of the ocean. When you're a captain, you should get suspicious when your passengers want you to stop in the middle of the open sea. It's a good place for them to kill you and your crew and dump you over the side. That's not the merc's plans though. Led by distinguished character actor Wes Studi (The Last of the Mohicans, Mystery Men) and including an early role by Djimon Hounsou (Stargate, In America) as The Mean, Sort of Crazy Black Bald Guy. They catch Pantucci snooping around and start beating the shit out of them, until Cap'n Finnegan has a Mexican standoff with them using a semi-automatic harpoon gun, that sadly never shows up again.

Is there something on my face?

Meanwhile on the luxury liner, owner Joey Canton (Anthony Heald; Dr. Chilton from the Lecter saga) is entertaining his rich guests. Note: never trust a rich entrepreneur named 'Joey.' His crew finds a slinky gal in a cocktail dress sneaking around the vault, and find out she's a high-class thief named Trillian (yes, the girl from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). Played with a nice rack and not much else by Famke Janssen, she's a spunky love interest who should have been merged with Leila, who conveniently disappears after Act One, never to be seen again. Pantucci sheds a lone tear for his gobbled girlfriend.

I can't believe I get to keep my shirt on.

Now for the trifecta of terror in this overcomplicated script- the ship plows into something in the open ocean, people scream and stampede, the lights go out, and in bad movie tradition, sea monster, pirates, jewel thief, and plucky captain & crew collide and yell at each other while the tentacles grab them, slurp their soft parts and spit out their skeletons. Yep, the bad guys drag Finnegan & Pantucci on board to look for parts to repair his boat- their escape route, which got damaged in the crash. Now don't ask why bad guys who can afford imaginary Chinese assault rifles with chaingun barrels, and huge-ass torpedoes, can't just buy a boat and hire fellow scumbags to pilot it. They spent it all on ammo.

Who wants ribs?

We never find out what the hijackers or thief wanted to steal, either; there's some chicanery about Dr. Chilton hiring them to sink the ship for the insurance, but who cares? Bring on the Ubiquipus! The beast's tentacles infest the entire ship, popping out of ducts and toilets. Each tentacle has a mouth and slurps you down like one of those slick-throated snakes from Anaconda, capable of swallowing meat faster than a busload of fluffers. That's not enough, though. They're covered in fangs, much like the tentacles we'd see ten years later in The Mist, and digest everything but your bones. Then they spit out your bloody skeleton, which is held together like the ones in science class, so we can deduce that the stomach acid of the Ubiquipus cannot dissolve bone, ligament or connective tissue.

Anyone got some Bactine?

Sometimes they interrupt the creature after it gets someone, and they come out partially digested, and of course, alive. It's sort of like the remake of The Blob, which had less gore but a much higher creepiness factor. This movie is directed by the guy who'd go on to do The Mummy, and and they'd re-use some of the "half a head" modeling on Imhotep. Here it looks better because he's not a dessicated corpse. The tentacles also look damn good for 1998, and it's only at the end, after everyone we don't care about is digested, that the big reveal of the Ubiquipus ends up being disappointing. The effects are at least as good as the thing at the end of Hellboy, but the concept is rather hilarious; a huge octopus with fangs, he looks like a slimy Cookie Monster with tentacles. I know every nerd was hoping for Cthulhu, but they could have done better. Something like the Kraken from the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels at least looks squidly and not like a lump of shit with teeth.

I will not be your "treat!"

Despite its flaws- making Wes Studi play a one-note Stereotypical Asshole with a Gun, a jumbled story that should have been simple, and some godawful dialogue by everyone but Finnegan and Pantucci- the movie can be fun if you go in with proper expectations. It never thinks it is more than a B movie, thankfully. Unfortunately we don't care about any of the monster's snacks, and even the ones we might care about, like Leila, just disappear. How the beast is finally dealt with, purely by chance, is lazy and stupid writing and bores us. The very ending is funny, but they needed to keep that note throughout; or keep it gory and dark. It's hard to laugh one minute and then see a ballroom full of bloody, pooped-out skeletons and slime the next. If the mess of a screenplay was trimmed, it might have been better.

The Ubiquipus was best captured in this video, attacking a spacefaring rock group known as The Darkness. Thankfully, because they believe in a thing called love, the creature was temporarily defeated.

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Begone, foul words of the devil! Shrink it back.

The Ruins

Recent horror films tend to bore me. Most of them seem so less sophisticated, as if they were made for children; the morality is so clear, and every victim has to be punished for something. But there are a few worth your time. The Descent begins as a claustrophobic horror about spelunkers trapped in a cave, then pulls a switcheroo and gets nice and scary; Dead Silence is rather straightforward horror but works pretty well. And now this year's The Ruins, which sadly fell from theaters rather swiftly, sets up an eerie, imaginative premise and follows it through to the inevitable, bloody conclusion quite well.

Kudzu has spread south

Much like my other favorite, Open Water, we begin with average Americans on vacation. Here they are in Mexico, lazing on the beach, when a German friend suggests they go visit a little-seen pyramid in the jungle. Now who wouldn't want to go see ancient ruins of a lost culture? That's more interesting to me than beautiful beaches, which can be had in many parts of the world. So they pile into Jeeps and head for the ruins. Also like Open Water, we are introduced to our victims through personal conversations in their hotel rooms, where they behave like they're really on vacation and not on a Hollywood set. None of that L-shaped sheet crap here.

If they hadn't left the hotel room, it would still be a good movie.

They quickly arrive at the pyramid, which isn't as remote as it seems. It stands alone in a clearing, overgrown with vines and not particularly hidden or forbidding. But when they approach it, looking for the friends who went there first, armed men come out of the jungle shouting angrily in a foreign language; not Spanish, either. They can't understand them, and when they approach after having climbed the ivied steps of the ziggurat, the men attack them. Our friends flee to the top of the structure and hide out, surrounded by men with bows, guns and machetes, and no apparent escape, except within the pyramid.

No, we do not have 'fajitas,' gringo.

Now that wouldn't be very interesting, we've seen plenty of "plucky American defeats armed, evil foreigner" movies; Hostel wasn't that bad, if you get past the idiotic parts where they try to make the gore extreme. In this one, we slowly begin to learn why the Indians who live in the jungle nearby are fr