Showing posts with label Weird Japan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weird Japan. Show all posts

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Zatôichi - No Happy Endings from this Masseur

I'll cry when I'm done killin'.

I haven't watched a traditional Japanese modern-day drama by Ozu or the like in so long, that I've forgotten that normal films come from that country. Zatôichi isn't really weird, but Takeshi Kitano's loving remake of the last film in the 26-episode series is definitely tongue in cheek, but still respects the character and gives us a good story.

Zatôichi movies all follow a pattern- the blind masseur wanders into town, making money by doing acupuncture and massages, as a low-caste blind man would do in the Edo period. Through his heightened senses, he slowly learns of the yakuza or corrupt officials oppressing the local people, and eventually has a showdown with them, slaughtering them with his hidden sword cane. It's sort of like some Westerns in that way; the stranger coming to town, who just happens to be a master gunfighter. One of the movies was made into Blind Fury with Rutger Hauer in the 80's.

The movies began in 1962 and ran until the late 70's, with Zatôichi played by Shintarô Katsu, who starred and directed in the finale to the series in 1989. I saw that one on the Sundance channel a while back, and while some reviewers called it a muddy mess, it was decent fun for me. Takeshi Kitano, star and director of many brutally violent yet also pensive yakuza films such as Fireworks and also touching family films like Kikujiro, remade the last movie as a homage to the character; his take has a touch of camp and keeps the bloody swordfights, but manages to make them seem more comic than brutal.
Reign in Blood

Kitano's style usually mingles quiet introspection, slice of life dialogue, and then of course the infamous sudden bursts of violence. This is no different; he doesn't mind lingering on a shot of peasants working the fields while Zatoichi enters town, meeting a passing ceremony on the way. He finds music in daily life- as the farmers hoe their rows, the score matches their beats; the staccato slaps of raindrops hitting rooftops, sandals on wooden walkways. This helps keep our interest between scenes of action and drama, and paints a vivid picture of romanticized village life in the samurai era.
Dude looks like a lady

The story weaves three separate plots quite well- Zatôichi's entrance to town and how he uncovers a corrupt gambling den that fleeces and murders unwary businessmen; a pair of geisha brother and sister who seek vengeance for their murdered parents; and finally, a retired ronin with a sick wife, who relents and hires out his sword to one of the town's three warring gang leaders who has bloody ambitions on the other two. This sounds complicated, but Kitano winnows out the unessential in the storylines, and gives us brief flashbacks so we understand everyone's motivations. The three plots converge in a superlative syzygy of slaughter, and all the sleazy town's secrets are revealed.
Thumbs up!

He manages to keep just the right level of camp and humor throughout. Zatôichi isn't as campy a character as let's say, Hanzo the Razor, who was a government agent ferreting out corruption through swordplay and sexual interrogation, but a blind masseur with a sword-cane who can slice out candle wicks and slaughter a dozen swordsmen in the dark can't take itself too seriously, or it gets silly (like Daredevil, which was inspired by it). For example, one of the village characters is a fat kid who runs in circles around his home with a spear all day, "training for battle." And when one of the villagers finds out that a geisha girl is actually a guy, we see him in similar make-up later, wondering if he is pretty enough to be one, too.

Fans of over-the-top ninja epics like the forgettable Shinobi: Heart Under Blade and the classic Azumi may find this a little slow, and Kitano's stylized fights too artistic. Like the old jidaigeki films, the fights are often finished with a single blow. The blind swordsman's reverse hand sword cane style is sneaky infighting, so protracted battles wouldn't make sense. Many people didn't like that all the blood is computer-generated, either. Kitano wanted it to "look like flowers blossoming across the screen," and it does soften the body count of the movie, which nears Lone Wolf and Cub proportions.
So You Think You Can Dance, circa 1683

Kitano is a stone-faced actor probably best-known in the U.S. as the teacher in Battle Royale, but he is an actor-director best compared to Clint Eastwood here. Imagine if Eastwood took something like "Kung Fu," or Billy Jack and remade it artfully with a touch of camp and played the lead himself. That would be the equivalent. It works, but he does dip a little too deeply into nostalgia at times. The film ends with a musical number including all the villagers from the cast tap-dancing in wooden sandals on a stage to Japanese taiko drumming. Darth Milk and I didn't mind; any chance to bust out the conga drum and play along is much appreciated.

The movie is good fun and if you want some lighter samurai action fare, this is 2 hours well spent.




Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Greasy Spoons: Sake Bar Hagi

All the best Japanese places I've been to in New York are underground. Sake Bar Hagi is a Japanese gastropub of sorts- Tokyo comfort food and $11 pitchers of Sapporo and Ki-rin is the fare. I've wanted to go here since Anthony Bourdain mentioned it on his New York show with Andrew Zimmern. It's not far from Radio City and Times Square, secreted in a basement hollow near a sushi bar, it's open till 3am, and serves quick bar food like chicken yakitori for $2 a skewer, a great bargain for sit-down bar food in NYC.
"We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread.."

The last time we came, there was a line out the door and up the stairs; this time we got lucky for a Saturday night after a show. We waited about 5 minutes for a corner table, and snugged in. The place is small and cozy and noisy with mostly Japanese patrons watching horse racing on big screen TVs, over platters of fried goodies and drinkin' foods. It reminded me of my short time in Tokyo and Niigata. I didn't hit many bars out there, in fact the one I remember was run by a Canadian ex-pat, with poutine served hot 'n gooey, and many shots of Canadian Club 12-year poured freely.
Belly up to the bar or snug into a table. No frogurt, though.

Here we perused the multi-page menu that had everything from fried slices of beef tongue (better than it sounds!) and spaghetti with ketchup (Japanese drunk food) to more familiar Japanese fare like gyoza dumplings and sashimi. The specials blackboard was thankfully written in Japanese and English, so we started off with a plate of Berkshire Pork dumplings, which were tender and tasty. Berkshire is a rare breed in England; the Japanese-bred pigs were brought over in the 1800's and are raised like Wagyu (Kobe) beef. It was hard to tell how marbled the pork was from a tiny bit in a dumpling, but they were very good. And only $4.
Yellowtail collar- grilled nummies in there.

It ends up being a lot like Dim Sum; they don't push carts around, but the menu is mostly appetizer sizes with a few big plates, like the chopped steak. The biggest plate we ordered was the Grilled Yellowtail collar ($7.50), which Bourdain raved about. It was excellent- rich and tender pieces of yellowtail to be plucked out from the bony collar with your chopsticks. Luckily, I picked around inside and found the biggest chunk hiding in there. It had the rich oily flavor of belly meat.
A shrimpstrosity

We sampled a few other appies too- the chicken yakitori meatball skewer ($2), a huge shrimp skewer ($4), and a huge potato croquette ($4) which was a bit bland but otherwise nice and crisp on the outside. The shrimp was flavorful but a little overdone, the meatballs were a great cheap bar snack. There's so much more on the menu, like okonomiyaki, takoyaki (fried octopus balls), and of course, may different kinds of sake. We had Sapporo, thanks. If they had Suntory Malt, my fave beer from Japan, I would have been thrilled.

Overall this is a great find, a cozy hideaway between Times Square and Radio City. Sort of like the Burger Joint at the Parker Meridien for those who love Japanese food. Or anything fried on a stick.

Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...

Friday, May 2, 2008

Sukiyaki Western Django

The Wild West is reborn in Japan in Sukiyaki Western Django, that takes the intertwined history of samurai films and spaghetti westerns for a garish, twisted and funny ride.
There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you

I haven't seen many films by internet darling filmmaker Takashi Miike. I liked Ichi the Killer fine enough, it was a hilarious mix of gangster and superhero movie with an unflinching eye for ridiculous, sadistic violence. Sukiyaki Western: Django, is his take on the cult classic spaghetti western Django, about the gun-runner who drags a coffin behind him. There have been over 100 "sequels" to Django, so why not one set in Japan?

Gratuitous Gating Gun Action!

Miike is probably best known for his hyper-violent gangster films like Ichi and Full Metal Yakuza; the disturbing horror film Audition; and the "Masters of Horror" episode "Imprint" that played on Showtime last year. He's not genre-bound, having done bizarre comedies like The Happiness of the Katakuris, and dramas like The Bird People in China, but dark comedy infuses most of his films. He's a little too aloof and hip for my taste when he does his gangster films, and Django is definitely in that category.
Yojimbo meets Fistful of Dollars... wait a minute...

In this movie, the cast is entirely Japanese except for Quentin Tarantino, but it is all in English. The disc I have has no English subtitles, so the film becomes an exercise in trying to understand people with harsh accents, or just ignoring most of the dialogue. It's amusing at first, then varies from tedious to humorous depending on the scene. Overall I found it annoying and unnecessary, but it does recall some of the Spaghetti Westerns where the dubbing is so bad that you don't know what the hell Trinity is saying, or Lee Van Cleef is the only guy who makes any sense.
The Gunslinger vs. the Yakuza

The story itself has been filtered through so many remakes that the origin is unclear. A casual filmgoer might say "Hey, this is A Fistful of Dollars." A hipster might counter, "No, it's Yojimbo, you Philistine!" and me, I'd wink and say "Actually Yojimbo is based on Red Harvest, based on the novel by Dashiell Hammett, you scruffy hipster twat." Kurosawa admitted copying the "bad town" concept where an outsider plays both sides to destroy them, and it doesn't really matter anyway. Red Harvest is a forgotten movie of a good novel, and Yojimbo and Fistful of Dollars are both pretty, so stop fighting.
Bad Guys Wear White

Sukiyaki Western Django is good fun, especially with a group and beer. Miike films beautifully, and the washed-out digital look reminds me of the old prints of spaghetti westerns I've seen, like when Trinity defends a Mormon village. That was practically transparent. The two gangs in town helpfully dress in White or Red, and while some scenes are filmed against a fake sun and a backdrop of Mount Fuji, the scenery looks quite good and believably western. Yamagata province stands in for Spain standing in for the Old West.

Quentin manages to stop ogling feet and play a part!

The film starts off with Quentin shooting an eagle that has flown off with a snake who has eaten an egg... which he then eats after gunning down some gunslingers and telling us a bit of the story of the two clans, and the treasure they sought. It's the same plot as Django- they're fighting over a chest of gold that's been lost and they're digging for it, and the drifter comes into town and gets caught up in it. With the difficult dialogue, I didn't really pay attention to the plot, either.

She doesn't bother appealing to his sense of generosity...

A kid's father is killed and his mother seeks revenge, working as a prostitute for the rival gang of the killer. When the drifter shows up he's wooed by both sides, and he's wounded, and they find the gold and the coffin with a Gatling gun in it, and a lot of people die. That's the story. They find the gold, chase a crazy guy in a wagon who throws dynamite, and find Django's coffin with the Gatling gun in it. The fight scenes are exciting, clever and funny- the two gangs are both after the wagon, so it is constantly turning around, and people are being dragged by horses, back and forth.
Be the ball, Danny.

There's a funny scene with Zen swordsmanship, and Quentin Tarantino returns later in the tale, old and infirm, in a steampunk mechanical wheelchair. The film has little substance, but it's got visuals in spades and is certainly enjoyable to watch once if you like spaghetti westerns and yakuza films. It's a far cry from Kill Bill, or even the excellent and hilarious Samurai Fiction, but it's certainly not crap. It's too long, and the choice of language becomes tedious rather than humorous by the end, and it's not thrilling enough to watch repeatedly and figure out what the hell they're saying. I wish the DVD had English subtitles on it- it actually might, but the menus are all in Japanese, except for the helpful "Main Menu" button. I tried all 3 subtitle choices with no luck.
Gratuitous Didgeridoo Action!

I'm going to go watch the original Django, for while I love spaghetti westerns and Japanese movies like a good internet nerd, I don't love all of them, and Miike's genius has been elusive to me so far. He makes a good movie, but I'm not in the fanboy camp yet. I'll get back to you after I see a few more, but until then I'm more of a fan of Takeshi Kitano.


Meet the gunslinger clip.

Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Weird Japan - Cat Soup


Made you look! no, they don't eat cat soup. Cat Soup is a short animated film of that name, about a kitten who drowns in the bathtub, and her adventure to get her soul back from Death. It's cute and bizarre, like many Japanese cultural emissions. At only 33 minutes, it's a quick little journey into mindfuckland for you chemically enhanced individuals to especially enjoy. It's based on a manga called Nekojiru-so, a black comedy that's been called "Hello Kitty on acid" and since there's no dialogue, only a few word balloons here and there, most of the interpretation is left up to the viewer.

It begins when little white kitten Nyaako drowns trying to get her toy out of the bathtub.
Her drunken father finds her and calls the doctor, but it's too late:
That night, her little brother Nyatta sees her being led away by Death, who tries to take her soul. He fights for it, and manages to get half of it. It goes back in her nose, but she's not herself, really. Death leaves them with an image of a flower, which apparently will restore Nyaako's soul, at least that's what wikipedia says.
That's where their strange, dreamlike journey begins, as they head to a Circus. There we encounter our first act of dismemberment, when a showgirl is turning to quivering cubes of bloody sushi (line stolen directly from The Running Man).

Then a robed man appears; is he God? He's definitely a magician. He creates whatever the audience asks, such as:

Note Nyaako's messed up eyes, she definitely looks like someone with half a soul. The man dutifully creates a golden elephant out of the ether.
The animation is quite beautiful, despite the kittens being drawn rather simply. It gets more and more detailed throughout the film. The next "act" at the circus is a water monster that the handlers seem to torture for their enjoyment. Eventually they pull the rope on its leg too tight, and it bursts, flooding the world and killing everyone.
The kittens end up on a boat with a friendly pig. There's nothing to eat, but Nyaako takes a dump over the side, which attracts a school of fish.

If you ever had a pet goldfish that liked to eat its own poo, you probably wondered how long a fish could survive on another fish's poo. At least I did. Luckily, the experiment was too complicated for me to set up. I wasn't going to put a fish in a bowl and then try to grab another fish's poo with an eyedropper. But that would be a pretty cool school science experiment. These days you'd probably be reported for feeding the fish poo, even though they seem to relish it. Damn poo-relishers.
Piggy catches some of the poo-fish and wants to eat them, but the kitties have other ideas.
I like this little throwback to the Warner Brothers cartoons, where after 5 minutes on a deserted island, your buddy starts looking like a walking pork chop. Do you know the word some cannibals have for human flesh is long pig? That would also make an awesome porn name for a meaty Samoan guy. "Long Pig Waukeloa stars in "Luau in Your Mouth."
There's a little sushi dance with samurai chasing the fish around and slicing them apart, then the dying fish jumps into the ocean, where it dreams of poo.
You can see its skeleton swimming around in the sunlit sea. And the poo ball above. It's probably not really poo, but earth or primordial matter, but they already established that fish eat poo, so I think it's primordial poo.
I think this poopolith helps the fish ascend to heaven. Shortly thereafter, God drains the Earth of water and the kittens find themselves in the desert with little piggy. They beat him to death for no good reason, and he bites the arm off of Nyatta. He finds a dollmaker to mend him, though. They follow the smell of food to a lone house run by of course, a strange man. He tries to cook them in a big cauldron, and he looks like Mickey Mouse in Gimp gear. They trick him into falling in, and escape back to the desert.
As they wander the sands in search of water, Nyatta digs and finds a Water Elephant they can drink and ride. It evaporates as they travel. Here's where things get sketchy, as God stops the flow of time, in that frivolous way the gods have. He's got a big honking great clock that runs the celestial spheres, and the kittens frolic in the frozen universe for a while.
They find the ocean again, and climb upon a whale frozen in the middle of a wave, one of the more beautiful scenes.
God's clock runs backwards for a time and this settles them back on their boat, but in marshland this time. The clockwork is covered with graven images, as if it is run by souls.
They see the aurora borealis and dream of the clockwork of the world as the end of their journey nears. In the swampland Nyatta finds the flower that will restore his sister's soul, and the clockwork continues to dial them back to where they began. Was it all a childhood dream of a young boy worried about his sick sister? Did she really die? Should we even wonder at all?
As the family sits around the TV for dinner, they each blink out like an old television screen, so maybe they're all just characters who disappear when we stop watching. It's certainly interesting enough to watch, trippy as it is. If you want a quick, trippy diversion it's a lot of fun, rather like a bizarre Japanese Yellow Submarine, or The Point!, just not for kids.

The original title, according to my friend Peter who lives in Japan, means something like "you can't eat hot food because you have a tongue like a cat" which I guess is right because while my cat once ate a rack of ribs down to the bone, cartilage and all, I never saw him eat hot soup.

Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...

Friday, April 4, 2008

Weird Japan: The Enigma of Amigara Fault

A friend of mine sent me a link for a manga that she said was cool and creepy. Japanese culture? Being strange? No, I cannot fathom this concept. Reading manga is like picking through port-a-potties looking for lost jewelry. There are some real gems in a large cesspool of mental waste. Much like American comics, really. For every Kurt Busiek, whose Astro City comics take superheroes and elevate them to literature, there are a few dozen stories about people in leotards with mutant powers re-enacting Dawson's Creek with laserbeam eyes (yes, a barely shrouded jab at the X-Men). I like non-hero stuff like Preacher, which kicks DaVinci Code's ass, and Transmetropolitan, which is Hunter S. Thompson in a bizarre and appealing future, but those are both finished.

Same with manga. There are masterpieces like Akira, and then there's a few shelves of schoolgirls who are the destined protector of the forest. The high-school drama meets fantasy/horror/mecha-Shiva robots stuff we usually see is for young teens, but Full Metal Alchemist and Death Note were decent. I like creepier stuff, like Junji Ito's Uzumaki (Spirals) and The Enigma of Amigara Fault.

It's only 33 pages, a backup story in his manga called Gyo. While I did read all 1500 pages of Akira, I appreciate a short story. Part of what keeps me from being an avid comic book reader is that the medium is neverending. Stories need a middle, beginning, and an end. 478 issues? No way I'm reading that. I did buy all 28 books of the Lone Wolf and Cub series, which I only read on the subway. They fit in a pocket and are mostly pictures, so you don't go wiggy reading them on a jumpy train.

The Enigma of Amigara Fault begins with an earthquake that reveals a fault line through a remote mountain pass. People who saw news of it on television feel compelled to go to it. When they arrive, they find human-shaped holes in the rock, leading into darkness. Cookie cutter shapes in the earth that seemingly lead to nowhere. As more and more people show up, they find that the caves are perfectly shaped to their bodies, and if they go in, there is no way out, and no one can follow. Owaki, the protagonist, has nightmares about the holes and their origin; what is finally revealed is bizarre and creepy, reminiscent of the 30's era pulp tales of Clark Ashton Smith. You can read all of the story here. Drr... drr... drr.. drr... trust me, you'll get it after you read it.

I also liked Ito's story Uzumaki, or "Spirals." It's about a town that becomes obsessed with spirals. While it does get a campy quality to it by the end, it is genuinely creepy in the beginning. I've only seen the movie, which devolves into people turning into snails because of their spiral shells, and a spiral of a hurricane appearing over the town. It's a decent, somewhat silly horror movie, but I imagine the manga is creepier. Maybe when I'm done with all 28 Shogun Assassin books I'll pick it up.

Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...

Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Pillows and a side of Noodles

Darth Milk and I went to see The Pillows the other night. They hadn't toured the U.S. in 2 years, and we were both big fans. For $20 tickets at the Blender Theater at Gramercy, it was a steal. Nice little venue, too. I believe we're seeing The Rutles at the same place. An all-girl band called Noodles opened for them, and they were very good- similar to the more familiar Shonen Knife or other Japanese rock bands. I like how Japanese rock is often closer to the rockabilly and garage roots that mainstream U.S. rock has long left behind. The Pillows and Noodles are touring a few other spots on their label's Delicious Bump Tour.

Noodles!

The Pillows are probably most famous in the U.S. for doing the soundtrack to the anime show FLCL or "Foolly Coolly" that showed on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network. Actually I think it's still on Saturdays at 1am, and if you're up watching TV, it's a pretty amusing show that parodies other typical anime plots, but is still about school kids dealing with killer robots and crazy cute girls from space who fly in on Vespas and bash your head in with guitars. And the music's great.
Noodles lead guitar/vocals.

Noodles were a great opening band, they got the crowd excited and played a fine set in their own right, without playing too long. I regret not picking up their CD at the merch table but it was $18; sorry ladies but that's a bit steep. I got a baseball shirt for the tour with both bands on it, so hopefully they get a cut. They're on myspace of course, follow the link with their name to hear some tracks off their new album Cover Me Shakespeare. Gotta love Engrish. They kindly said hello and told us about a show in Brooklyn at Magnetic Fields in better English than my Japanese.
Little Drummer Girl

The Pillows didn't make us wait too long and busted in to "I Think I Can" as their opener, a decent rocker that I got a good video of:



They played a great set, only an hour plus a two song encore, but they played a nice mix of hits, stuff from Furi Kuri and newer stuff. I wish I'd recorded when they introduced themselves, but I remember the rhythm guitarist is Yoshiaka and the drummer is Shin. I couldn't get a decent shot of Yoshi from where I was smushed in a gaggle of hipsters and anime fans, but I managed to get everyone else.
Lead singer Sawao Yamanaka

Everybody wants some Rock 'n Roll! I can't remember the real title of that song, but they played it. It took them a while to get to their favorites "Ride on Shooting Star" and "Little Busters," but they didn't make us wait for the encore. They just said "You know I like new songs but old songs are good too!" and blasted into them one right after the other.



Crazy Sunshine was another one, and Funny Bunny was one of the encores.
I wish all the pictures were this good. Jun Suzuki, bassist.
Shin the drummer.

I got two other videos of songs I can't remember the names of. If you recognize them, let me know in a comment. Unknown song; Here's the finale:




Great band, great show, great night. Better samples of their music are available at their webpage.

Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Weird Japan: Pom Poko, or the Tanuki Testicles

"We've got the biggest balls of them all." - Bon Scott, AC/DC
Sorry, Bon. These raccoons have got you and Angus beat.


My friend and cohort Johnny wanted to see the classic animated film Pom Poko after seeing a video mashup with footage from it, and the classic rock song "Big Balls" by AC/DC. Now why would a children's movie, one released in the U.S. by Disney no less, fit with a song filled with such double entendre? Permit me to demonstrate.

The clip that gave Johnny the girly-giggles.


Tanuki look like raccoons, but they are technically called raccoon dogs and live in Japan and Siberia.
This is what they look like. Note: no gigantic balls.

According to the wikipedia, tanuki have "unusually large testicles, a feature that has inspired humorous exaggeration in artistic depictions of the creature. Tanuki may be shown with their testicles flung over their backs like travellers' packs, or using them as drums." Maybe the tail is hiding something, but I don't see any signs of elephantiasis. Then again, in Japan maybe they have a different idea of what big balls are. We're all "Big" in Japan if you know what I mean.

When I went to Japan, I saw this statue of a tanuki outside of a restaurant, where they bring good luck and prosperity. Sort of like how every Chinese restaurant has red and some 8's somewhere. It's like the hidden Superman in every Seinfeld episode, look for it.
Look how cute! Then look more carefully. Keep looking. What the hell? Does that thing have wangmeat? Why yes it does. Hmm, how come it doesn't have any legs? Mother of God. Its BALLS are covering its feet. Do I want to eat at this establishment? What if they serve me giant raccoon balls?

Nothing is funnier than Engrish.

Blob? Okay if big balls make you lucky with money, Italians would be winning the Powerball (pun definitely intended) instead of toothless trailer trash. Trust me. They need to make bigger pants for us. I just had mine let out so the boys could have some room. I may invest in a kilt. But enough about my balls, or as I like to call them, Mutt and Jeff.

The movie itself is actually very cute, and is about a group of raccoons living near the city during a housing boom. Their habitat will soon become condos. If Ralph Bakshi made this movie, they'd be crows, if you remember Fritz the Cat and its caricatures. "Sheee-itt! I hate this genchrication!" But enough gratuitous racism, back to the story. It's a simple story. The raccoons fight the construction workers and the businessmen. They learn how to transform into people, which animals have always been able to do in Japanese folklore. The film jokes that all the fat Japanese who eat lots of candy and energy drinks are actually tanuki in disguise. Which made Johnny call me Tom Poko. So I hit him with my balls.
When tanuki party, they go balls out.

The do everything to harry and foil the construction crew except light a bag of poop on fire and ring the doorbell, which believe me, would fit right in to this movie. They enlist the help of the Tanuki Elders whose balls are the size of large trampolines, and one of them looks like Wilford Brimley.
Do you have the Diabetus?

The elders try to scare the humans away with a parade of creepy spirits running through town, but everyone enjoys it, and thinks it was put on by the local amusement park. See, we're all so enthralled with our new-fangled technology that we can't recognize the magic of nature and the spirits of the past! Apparently the raccoons were stoners, which makes sense because they sit around eating all day with their balls out for easy scratching.
More proof that tanuki are stoners.
Freaky-Ass Shit.
Bad trip, man.

This does exactly jack shit to stop the construction, as you can imagine. It becomes time for the Final Countdown, the big battle. Some want peace, others want war, and some of us want the animals to WEAR SOME FUCKING PANTS. Either way, we lose.
The war faction ready their balls for battle, and the peaceful ones actually hug the fucking trees.
There's a joke here somewhere.

But you came to see flying raccoons with biggie-size nutsacks, and I will not disappoint. I warn you, the nature of the next images is extremely graphic. Well duh, they're graphics. I never understood that stupid TV warning. Images are graphic. So let me say that the images are of a Nutley nature.

How to Attack With Your Balls

1. Get blue balls.
2. First you stretch your scrotum into a trampoline.
3. Have your friends jump on your scrotrampoline and become airborne.
4. Shock & Awe Paratroopers inflate ballsack (not Balzac, that's a French author)
5. Use your scrote as a parachute and glide toward enemy targets. Yes, really.
6. Kick yourself in the nuts until you look like you're riding a Space Hopper Ball.
7. Land with great fury!
Let's take a short break to remember Space Hopper balls or Hippity Hoppers.


8. Swing your balls like a sack full of doorknobs.
9. Or just smother the riot police with your mighty scrote.
10. Don't let the cops hit your nuts with their batons.
Note the veins. Sticklers for details, those fellows over at Ghibli studios. Yes, this was made by the same folks who did Princess Mononucleosis and Howl's Moving Castle. It's actually a quite funny and beautifully animated story that will make children think about nature, and probably get rabies from a raccoon. Just imagine the playfights they'll get into using beanbag chairs. I can't wait to have kids and mess their heads up with this stuff.
Proof that this nuttiness is nothing new.

In the end, the raccoon dogs learn to live alongside the city in smaller numbers, stealing from garbage cans and not assaulting people with their testicles unless the sanctity of their home is threatened. A delightful film to scar children with or laugh yourself silly with, once properly inebriated. 3 stars or 2 giant tanuki balls.
Are you done swinging your nuts around?


Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Sushi Police, are inside of my head...

From this London Times article.

Soon you will know if your wasabi was grated on shark skin from the root or if it's the dyed stuff from a tube, and whether the uni will be fresh enough to be worth trying.

Japanese officials are offering a Michelin-star like service to rate the authenticity of Japanese restaurants in other countries. Not coming to New York yet, but this year it will arrive in Los Angeles, so they get snob rights first.

The seal’s design, displayed yesterday, resembles a coat of arms, with chopsticks, a Rising Sun background and the petal of a cherry blossom. The award will go to restaurants that meet five criteria of authenticity and can show that they have mastered the classics of Japanese cuisine.

No news yet on what the "5 criteria" will be, or if you will have to follow the rules of "How to Eat Sushi," if they will raid the cupboards looking for forks or look down their noses at rolls with eel and peanut butter like they have at Ginger.

And unfortunately the best I can find of Apu from the Simpsons singing "Dream Police" is a sound clip, not a video.

Read More of this Daring Diatribe by Clicking Here...